DES Clarke: The comedian and radio broadcaster has signed up for “the big TRY-athlon for Sport Relief’,” which involves lots of driving, cycling and swimming, even though the 37 year-old can’t drive, cycle or swim. Stablizers and waterwings, Des?

SIR Elton: The Rocket Man has cancelled four of his upcoming farewell tour dates so he can attend the Royal wedding of Prince Harry and the actress. Great idea, Elt because the voice is not what it once was and at least some of the fans who’ve supported you way back in the days before you became the royal plinker will save some cash.

JOAN Collins: The legend has come out in defence of the Formula One grid girls. “So are they going to ban bodybuilders now?” she demands, but hears no reply.

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THE COMPLAINANT: Who contacted the Advertising Standards Agency to demand the end of the Tunnocks Tea Cake tennis girl campaign, clearly upset the offending Tea cake was occupying the thigh spot on which a furry green Dunlop Fort would normally reside.

JUSTIN Timberlake: Not only did this international class hypocrite perform Prince songs at the Superbowl (in spite of rubbishing Prince while he was alive) his singing had all the tonal quality of a tom cat being neutered.

KATE Moss is now boasting of losing her virginity at fourteen, and smoking delightedly. Let know one ever call this lady a role model again.