The Apprentice
BBC1, 9pm
Four stars
CUE shot of Canary Wharf, cue Sir Alan arriving in his Rolls, and cue voiceover guy…
“British business IS in flux, the future FAR from certain. So we’ve gathered together a gaggle of complete NUMPTIES to take the nation’s mind off the looming train wreck that is Brexit …”
Well, maybe that last bit was misheard amid the din of The Apprentice returning last night. Astonishingly, the business talent show featuring contestants with zero talent for business is now in its thirteenth series, and yes, it will be unlucky for all but the one hopeful who trousers £250k of Sir Alan’s money. The rest can look forward to 12 weeks of bickering, backstabbing, and, toughest task of all, pretending to laugh at Sir Alan’s dead on arrival jokes.
As is traditional, the first thing they had to sell was themselves. “I smell like success, and a bit of money,” said one; “I used to be a debt collector, my nickname was Scary Liz,” said another; and my favourite, “I’m going to throw people under the bus, I’m going to throw people over the bus, I’m going to get on the bus, take the wheel and get that investment from Lord Sugar.” What is the betting that last hopeful will be among the first to take the walk of shame to a waiting taxi?
Team names were chosen: Graphene for the women to suggest strength, and Vitality for the men to confirm they were eejits (it could have been worse: Bus Man suggested Trojans). Then it was on to the first task of selling burgers. Bit harsh, giving contestants a taste of the future, but it’s a flipping tough world out there. Happily, the task revealed that two members of Graphene loathe each other. Scary Liz (“I’m the pottiest person in the room”) and (Equally Terrifying) Siobhan are shaping up to be the Joan Crawford and Bette Davis of this series. Oh yummy.
Burgers sold, it was back to a very crowded boardroom. At this stage in the series there are so many contestants they look like a replacement bus queue, but it was easy enough to spot that the men had made a loss. Someone had to go and the team leader was it. Nothing personal, mate. There will be another along in a minute. But please, Sir Alan, don’t make it Bus Man, not yet.
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