Pass me a Tena Lady and fetch me my Hush Puppies: I've only just discovered the loom band craze some six months too late.
The first thing I Googled was 'Why is a loom band'. An upbeat and inquisitive 'What's a loom band then, eh kids?' would neither convey my bewilderment or my deep well of sadness. Human adults around the world are creating and wearing clothes made from tiny rainbow-coloured rubber bands that look just like the garish Claire's Accessories hair elastics I wore at the age of never.
If you're unaware of the loom band fad, let me make like Craig David and fill you in (because even my pop culture references are behind the times). Invented by a 45-year-old man, a Rainbow Loom is a simple device that allows you to crochet rubber bands together to make bracelets and charms. It's a huge playground craze which, according to every tabloid journalist, is sweeping the nation and wreaking havoc on our environment. A bit like your mum.
It's quite sweet that kids are removing their virtual reality goggles and shunning their hoverboards in favour of some good old-fashioned crafting, but I don't understand why the grown-ups have breenged in and tried to turn loom bands into a fashion statement. Fearne Cotton, Harry Styles and David Beckham have all worn loom bracelets recently, as has Kate Middleton in what was undoubtedly her most daring sartorial manoeuvre to date.
Then there was the woman who created an entire dress using 24,000 loom bands and decided to sell it on Ebay. It sold for a vagina-watering £170k. Well, it nearly did. Unfortunately for the creator of the dress, the winning bidder stopped chain-smoking packets of Haribo and realised they'd made a terrible, terrible mistake, so the dress has been relisted. There's some pretty stiff competition now, however. A quick search on Ebay for 'loom dress' yielded 482 results - everything from dresses to leggings and boak-inducing platform boots - and, terrifyingly, some of them had been bid on by real people.
I started to get a bit hysterical and ranty after the Ebay discoveries. I kept screaming 'Who are these people?' - but then I remembered Crocs. It's not often that the mental image of a plastic clog calms me down, but it served as an important reminder that fashion is ridiculous and people are crazy. Some of us never outgrow that childlike desire to be part of the gang; this is the adult version of buying a pair of skousers (that's skirt-trousers, not a Liverpudlian) or showing up to school on non-uniform day in a neon yellow Le Coq Sportif tracksuit, which I definitely did not do in primary seven. Sometimes the need to join in with everyone else overrides taste and common sense. See also: Ugg boots, velour trousers and the person who deflowered David Gest.
What I'm trying to say is, I really need a new dress so I'm away to buy myself a Rainbow Loom. And if I die before I finish my masterpiece, I'll have the jazziest coffin around.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article