Samphire

Inveraray

STONE BASS, yes, sea bass, of course, yellow bass, striped bass, even ya bass (well, I do live in Glasgow). But rock bass, I say, scanning the blackboard. Not heard of that one.

Thereupon follows an explanation from the waiter about deeper seas and, er, rocks which sets off my old flannel alarm. It ends up with me asking if it comes from Scottish waters. “Yes, landed at Peterhead.”

Hmm. So I order up a roasted fillet with lightly curried sweet potato mash, white wine, parsley and leek sauce and await developments.

In the meantime my family, who have been pretending this exchange isn’t happening, have asked for the Taste of the Loch at no less than £39 for the sharing platter. The loch, of course being Loch Fyne out there, lapping the shore of Inveraray which even on a dreich, September Sunday evening like this is worth a visit.

The platter arrives bearing a great culinary still life: a fat brown crab reclining regally on a tray, queenie scallops dancing attendance, a half-lobster lounging at its side and the whole scene strewn with cockles, clams and oysters – all draped in garlicky butter.

I have to say I roll my eyes but keep schtum when this is ordered, hear the oohs when it arrives, lend assistance when it predictably proves impossible to crack the thick crab claws with the by now slippy-with-butter and completely leverage-free and fashionably useless lobster tools.

I ask if the kitchen could give them a tap to get the crab party started. “We’ll see what we can do,” is the reply, delivered in a possibly-not-enough-staff or just end-of-season, tourist-fatigued fashion.

Back in the day when you couldn’t give a brown crab away, my old man used to spend hours in our tiny kitchen cooking, cracking, packing scooped gooey unattractive brown meat and firm white meat back into the shells to be grilled for supper.

It’s a lot of bloody work, a crab, for not much meat. And this is a half.

A platter, then, is usually an order-once bucket list wow plate that no matter where they serve it leads to a somewhat unsatisfying meal, if you ask me. Which nobody usually does.

Better with the locally smoked – it is Loch Fyne out there – haddock chowder. Plenty of fish packed into a lot of cream.

The young squid rings at £7.25 come in a very good crisp, dry batter that has us looking longingly at the folks who ordered lemon sole goujons and chips at £17.

I have pork cheek, pork belly, black pudding and mash to start at £7.45 which comes in a main portion size with a soupy jus and is all different textures and temperatures, which does nothing for me.

Oh, yeah, I forget to mention it’s still only 7.15pm. We sat down at 6pm – I know, who has dinner at that time? – but there only being tables available then or at 5.30pm we took our chances and hit the high road early. Yet the place is still only half full now and already looks like it’s winding down.

Anyway, by the time the rock bass arrives I’ve googled it, but only an American fish pops up, so I text a fishmonger friend but he’s none the wiser.

It’s firm, pleasant and meaty, with the skin nicely seared, and served in a soup bowl’s worth of a pretty bland, very creamy sauce with a heap of sweet mash from which I can detect no currying.

The seafood is undoubtedly fresh in here. The rest? I’m not so sure. The tempura batter on the squid rings was billed as Thai spiced, but I couldn’t taste it. The bowl of dipping sauce plonked in the middle of the bowl, above the lettuce, was described as lime and chilli yet looked and tasted lime free and exactly like a generic chilli jam. Hmm. A missed opportunity, I’d say.

Samphire

6 Arkland, Inveraray (www.samphireseafood.com, 01499 302321)

Menu: Seafood and more seafood as you would expect nowadays at Loch Fyne. Platter is a show-stopper. 4/5

Atmosphere: Popular place and pleasant enough but had an end of season feel to it that I didn’t greatly enjoy at these prices. 3/5

Price: Seafood in Scotland? It’s rarely cheap. It certainly tastes fresh at £7 plus a starter and £15 into the £20-plus for mains 3/5

Service: Maybe they’re understaffed and the service and welcome wasn’t bad just a bit tired and formulaic. Waitress pleasant. 3/5

Food: If kept simple, it was good and fresh. Fish properly presented, sauces and flavourings and the rest not so hot. 6/10

Total: 19/30