Hello and welcome to The Midge, the e-bulletin that takes a bite out of politics in Scotland and elsewhere. 

Today

  • Exclusive: Health chief sets target to fix NHS
  • RBS reports £469m loss
  • Conservative leader Ruth Davidson is Herald politician of the year
  • Mundell: No special Brexit deal for Scotland

06.00 BBC Today headlines

Business Secretary Greg Clark says no government cheque book involved in Nissan decision … High Court in Belfast to deliver judgments on legal challenge to Brexit … Nato Sec Gen Jens Stoltenberg says deployment of 4000 extra troops in eastern Europe not designed to provoke Russia … Anti-doping agency highlights failings in testing procedures … Watchdog says NHS in England losing millions by failing to recover costs from overseas patients … Largest marine reserve to be created in Antarctica … Tribunal in London to rule whether Uber drivers are employees entitled to rights. 

07.00 BBC Good Morning Scotland headlines

Nissan ... Scots farming leaders to urge redesign of subsidy scheme ... UK Government rejects student visa calls from Scotland ... Iain Duncan Smith wants Theresa May to reverse Universal Credit cuts ... Special assembly at Aberdeen school to mark year since pupil's death. 

Front pages

The Herald:

Exclusive: In The Herald, health correspondent Helen Puttick speaks to Paul Gray, the head of the Scottish NHS, after a damning report on the service by Audit Scotland. 

"Xenophobia bites in Brexit Britain" is the headline in The National, which says EU nationals are "living in fear" amid reports of a growing atmosphere of hate in England. 

The Herald:

The Evening Times pictures fans queueing for Justin Bieber tickets. 

The announcement that Nissan will make its new models in the UK leads the FT, Guardian, and Times, with the latter saying a “last-ditch No 10 pledge” to shield the firm from Brexit costs saved the day. The FT also reports that the EU-Canada trade deal is back on after Belgium relents. 

The Mail pictures the Queen in Waitrose with the caption: “Unexpected customer in the bagging area”. Under the headline, "SNP MPs still don't get it!" the paper reports on a nationalist MP paying his brother more than seven weeks' overtime. 

Camley’s cartoon

The Herald:

Camley cashes in on reports of a flaw in the new plastic fivers which means they can be wiped clean of ink using an eraser. 

FFS: Five in five seconds

What’s the story?

The Midge was allowed to stay up well past its bedtime last night to attend the 2016 Herald Scottish Politician of the Year Awards. 

Glamorous, darling?

Think the Oscars with fewer tears and more varicose veins (and that was just the menfolk). 

Did all get prizes?

None of that wishy-washy liberal stuff here, these awards went to those the judges, led by Graeme Smith, acting editor-in-chief of The Herald, deemed to be at the top of their game. 

Give us the gen, then?

Scottish Politician of the Year, Ruth Davidson (the first Tory to win the award); Best Scot at Westminster, David Mundell; Donald Dewar Debater of the Year, Ruth Davidson; One to Watch, Alex Cole-Hamilton; Committee MSP of the Year, Mary Scanlon; Community MSP of the Year, Jackie Baillie; Politics in Business Award, Fergus Ewing; E-politician, Johann Lamont; Public Campaigner of the Year, No to Named Persons (NO2NP) Campaign; Scottish Local Politician, Councillor Mark Macmillan, leader of Renfrewshire Council; Lifetime Achievement Award, Sir Menzies Campbell.

Shall we cut to the jokes?

How shallow of you when the rest of us are trying to honour commitment to public service and the nurturing of a healthy body politic. 

Sorry. 

Just kidding. Here, in no particular order, are some quips from the night. The ones that are fit to print, anyway … 

"What can I say, it's been an extraordinary year for me personally. First, the election result in May. Second, my wonderful girlfriend agreed to be my wife. Third, I came second in a Kim Jong-un lookalike competition.” Ruth Davidson

“Donald Trump wants to build a wall with Mexico. When he finishes that he’s going to be hired by the Edinburgh Schools Partnership.” Host Colin Mackay of STV recalls a little local building difficulty in schools earlier this year. 

“If you go to Turnberry you see this great portrait of Donald Trump. His hands follow you around the room.” Colin Mackay

“Obviously coming out was a really big deal. Seventeen years ago I could never have imagined coming out as a Conservative in Scotland.” David Mundell

[After being named “One to Watch”] “Ironically, that’s the name the Fraud Squad have for me.” A jesting Alex Cole-Hamilton. 

“I was going to treat you to a speech on Trident but Seaumus Milne might be in the audience.” Jackie Baillie referencing the reported rewriting of a Labour MP’s pro-Trident speech at the party's conference. 

“My daughter said all you do is talk about the Great British Bake-Off and fight with your own parody account.” Johann Lamont proves to be the comedy hit of the evening. Like Miranda, but funny. 

Afore Ye Go

The Herald:

"The UK government has set up what they have called a ‘hotline’ to David Davis – I can share with the Chamber today that Michael Russell’s office called that hotline this week. He called it just before midday on Tuesday, it took until after 6pm yesterday to actually get David Davis on the hotline, that’s 36 hours. So yes, there is now a telephone line we can call, it’s just currently not very hot.”

Nicola Sturgeon at FMQs. Andrew Milligan/PA Wire

“The Scottish Government asked for a call to be arranged for yesterday morning [Wednesday] and the Secretary of State spoke to Mike Russell later in the day, as soon as his diary allowed.”

A spokesperson for the Department for Exiting the European Union begs to differ with the FM that it took 36 hours to get a call back.

Also at FMQs, the Greens' Patrick Harvie takes the FM to task for her government's backing of a third runway at Heathrow. 

The Herald:

"There is no question of financial compensation over tariffs.”

Business Secretary Greg Clark denies a post-Brexit “sweetheart deal” was done with Nissan to build new models at its Sunderland car plant. BBC World at One. Owen Humphreys/PA Wire

The Herald:

75,114

The number of copies of the Guardian bought by the BBC last year, as disclosed to Tory MP Philip Davies, who claimed the corporation was "single-handedly keeping the Guardian afloat”. Scott Barbour/Getty Images

The Herald:

"Your Majesty I am returning this MBE in protest against Britain's involvement in the Nigeria-Biafra thing, against our support of America in Vietnam and against Cold Turkey slipping down the chart. With love John Lennon. John Lennon of Bag.”

The Beatle's letter to the Queen explaining why he returned his MBE has been valued at £60,000 after it turned up at a memorabilia event in Liverpool. The Beatles Story/PA Wire 

In the latest in our series of 'Where are they now?", Ken Livingstone takes the floor.

The Herald:

"It's safe to say that James Bond wouldn't get through our recruitment process.”

Alex Younger, head of MI6, said an intelligence officer in the real MI6 has “a high degree of emotional intelligence, values teamwork and always has respect for the law”. Black History Month.  Ilya S. Savenok/Getty Images for The New Yorker

The Herald:

“Analysts are speculating that communication between Donald Trump and his campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, has become practically nonexistent. They say if she spoke to Trump any less, they’d be married.”

Conan O’Brien. Michael Bocchieri/Getty Images

As you do.

Finally, the penny drops.

Thanks for reading. See you Monday. Twitter: @alisonmrowat