Just a wee story

“TRAVELLING into Glasgow by bus,” says Donald Grant in Paisley, “I heard two grannies discuss their grandchildren. One said that she had told her grandson that he would have to stand nearer to the toilet bowl to avoid making a mess. When the wee boy had said, ‘But I thought I was near enough Granny’ she had sighed and replied, ‘So does your Grandpa’.”

Organ recital

HOSPITAL stories continued.

A Carluke reader says he was in hospital having a colonoscopy when the nurse said: “If you look at the screen above your head you will see the inside of your bowel.”

Our reader merely replied: “Sorry, I’ve been in many dark places in my life. I don’t want to look at another one.”

The naked truth

GLASGOW comedian Frankie Boyle has been commenting on Donald Trump wanting Mexico to pay for a wall being built between that country and America. Said Frankie: “To be fair, I managed to get my neighbour to build a wall and pay for it, and all it cost me was the price of a thong to sunbathe in.”

Toy story

A DARNLEY reader continues our parenting theme by explaining: “When I say, ‘Time to get in the car,’ my five-year-old somehow hears, ‘Time to start looking for that toy we’ve not seen for over a year’.”

Coining it in

WRITER Deedee Cuddihy was talking to Chryston Discussion Group about her book on Scottish superstitions when an audience member said her daughter, on her first outing with her new baby to the Asda superstore in Robroyston, was surprised to have collected £27 from other shoppers who were following the Scottish tradition of giving a coin to a new baby for good luck.

Deedee herself had written in her book about a similar couple on Byres Road being given enough money to buy two fish suppers.

So on our calculation, the people of the east end of Glasgow are more generous than those in the west.

Is this true?

Having a ball

TODAY’S piece of whimsy comes from Amy Dillon who says: “Relationship status: getting a back rub from a tennis ball wedged against the wall.”

Out of Africa

CONGRATULATIONS on satirical magazine Private Eye recording its best sales figures. The mag has for years used the euphemism “Ugandan affairs” when referring to sex. As Margaret Thatcher’s biographer Charles Moore once observed: “She could not understand jokes, and had no clue what the reference to ‘Ugandan affairs’ meant in relation to Cecil Parkinson’s affair with Sarah Keays. ‘I know it’s untrue’, she exclaimed. ‘He’s never been to Africa’.”

Belly laugh

THE Letters Pages tales of pithy poet Walter McCorrisken remind Still Game actor Jimmy Martin: “I appeared with him once and he was just great company. I think my favourite was: ‘The belly button is a wondrous thing Of this it must be said.

It’s very handy for keeping salt When you’re eating chips in bed.’”