Deadpan delivery
A READER in Banchory, Aberdeenshire, noticed a hearse parked outside a gym in the town. Had someone overdone their exercising? He went over to pay his respects when he noticed the undertaker and his assistant offloading a sunbed from the hearse.
“They couldn’t fit it in the vehicle they had, so we were doing them a favour,” they explained. “Ye canna whack the Deeside spirit of multi-tasking,” says our reader.

Boxing clever
THE middle of February is when membership of slimming clubs dips a little after the New Year surge. We remember the woman who recorded an increase in weight at her club in Glasgow and, when asked what had caused it, said her hamster had died.
When she was asked if that had sparked off some comfort eating, she replied no, but she had been forced to finish a large box of Milk Tray as she needed the empty box to bury Whiskers.

Arachnophobia
A GLASGOW reader heard a young woman on his train into town tell her pals: “Whoever said ‘Out of sight, out of mind’ has never had a spider disappear from sight in their bathroom.” 

Summer loving
THE Sauchiehall Street branch of lingerie and sex toys chain Ann Summers is to close after over 20 years trading. We looked back to The Herald which reported its opening in November, 1996, and stated matter-of-factly: “A lady called Angela is surprised to learn that she is the shop’s first customer when she hands over £5.98 for a pair of plastic handcuffs and a packet of flavoured condoms. They are stocking fillers, she says. She’ll be back for something for herself. “
Just a normal day’s shopping in Glasgow.

Mum’s the word
AND a reader once contacted The Diary to ask: “I was passing the Ann Summers shop which has a poster in the window for Mother’s Day, and I can’t stop thinking, ‘What age would you have to be to imagine that buying your mum something from Ann Summers would be a good idea?’”

1966 and all that
PAUL Drury was in his local watching the Liverpool-Spurs match when Liverpool substituted Sadio Mane with Trent Alexander-Arnold. The third official held up the electronic board which listed Sadio’s squad number, 19, and beside it, Trent’s squad number, 66.
“1966!” exploded the fan beside him. “The English will do anything to remind us of that date.”

A novel formation
A COLLEAGUE comes over to tell us: “Got a call from a mate who said he was organising some five-a-side football and would I like to make up the numbers.
“So I suggested fliver hundrood and saxty clang.”

Saying it with flowers
THE phone rang yesterday and someone barked: “Do you know what today is? It’s Happy Half-Priced Heart-Shaped Chocolate Day!”
Which reminds us of the guy in the Glasgow bar who declared: “My wife complains that I never buy her flowers.
“That’s a bit unfair, as I never knew she sold them.”