Eye on the ball

PARTICK Thistle announced yesterday: “All restricted view tickets for our clash with Celtic on 5th April are now sold out. Only full view tickets available.”

Foster Evans wondered if Thistle fans can’t bear the thought of seeing all of the game.

She’s got your number

AYRSHIRE was mobbed at the weekend as folk sought the sunshine, and kids, it seems, won’t give you a minute’s peace. Says Amy Kinnaird: “I was in the ladies toilets in Wetherspoons in Largs and heard the voice of a plaintive wee girl outside the door of an adjacent cubicle, ‘Mum, are you sure that you’re just doing a pee in there? You’ve been in there for a while’.” Amy didn’t wait for the mother’s response.

Well isle be

THIS is the time of year when I have to look out for April Fool’s stories. Thus I am told that the Isle of May in the Firth of Forth is to be renamed the Isle of Sturgeon after an on-line poll. It is a spoof, isn’t it?

Having a stroke

IT seems that Nicola Sturgeon has not won round everyone in England. Says reader Jim Gordon: “A friend ‘down south’ advised me of a new term in the golf lexicon. It’s ‘a Sturgeon’ - apparently it means ‘an awkward little five footer’.

Wow, sexist and sizeist all at once, well done our friends down south.

Let’s face it

COMEDY writer John Cleese, on a tour of America promoting his autobiography, said yesterday: “Hotel security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for identification. I showed him my book, with my name and face on it. ‘I’m sorry, that’s not enough’, he said.”

Has a ring to it

HOW technology is changing everyday life. Says Keith Hayton: “I heard an elderly lady in Renfield Street ask a young man for directions. He said, ‘I don’t know where it is but my phone does’.”

Hopping mad

GROWING old continued. Said Eric Arbuckle in Largs: “One of the golf club bar gathering said, ‘I can no longer stand on one foot whilst I soap the other’ and a few agreed that they too had that problem. ‘I don’t know what you are complaining about,’ said yet another. ‘I have never been able to stand on one foot and soap the other’.”

Advice on a plate

RELATIONSHIP advice from a reader who says: “When out for a meal with the wife, always order the same dish as she does. That way you don’t lose half your meal when she says, ‘Can I taste a bit of yours?’”

What is in a name

WE mentioned the Citz pantos that had 13 letters in their titles. Al Cowie in Milton of Campsie recalls: “Many moons ago The Herald published a Christmas crossword with the title Triskaidekaphilia, which is an obsession with the number 13, and the solutions to several of the clues were the titles of Citizens’ Theatre pantomimes.

So far readers have recalled Red Riding Hood, Whigmaleeries, Clishmaclaver, Babity Bowster and Bletherskeits.