Comedy nugget
PRONUNCIATIONS in Glasgow. Says David Gray: “We have had a long-standing debate in our family about the appropriate pronunciation for the French delicacy nougat. On a recent trip to the University Cafe in the less fashionable lower end of Byres Road to get some ice cream I asked at the counter for a ‘nugget’, adding that my daughter, who grew up in the West End, would like a ‘noogah’. The proprietor responded that she would have to go further up Byres Road if she wanted one of those.”

Flight of fancy
BEFORE we hole out on our golfing euphemisms Bill Lothian reminds us of a Ryanair – it flies well enough but lands a long way from the destination.

Don’t give up the day job
SCOTS Tories have been going on at First Minister Nicola Sturgeon to get on with the “day job” instead of pursuing independence. Renfrewshire SNP MSP Tom Arthur got his own back with a wee dig at Prime Minister Theresa May by declaring: “Hadn’t realised by ‘day job’ the Tories meant flogging weapons to Saudi Arabia, moral panic over Easter Eggs and threatening war with Spain.”

English humour
TALKING about Spain, a Scottish exile in England says he wants to come home after a colleague sent him the following gag: “Gibraltar declared war on Spain and the Spanish President replied, ‘don’t you know that we have 75,000 troops?’. The Chief Minister of Gibraltar discussed this with his ministers and then replied to Spain that the war was off. When asked why he replied, ‘We haven’t enough room for so many POWs.’”

Girlfriend problems
COMEDIAN Phil Pagett is bringing his show Bare Jokes to the Edinburgh Fringe this year. We did like Phil’s line: “My last girlfriend dumped me unexpectedly. I came home and she’d sold our house. I suppose I should’ve seen the signs.”

Thanks for the memory
GROWING old continued. Says Ron Beaton in Dunblane: “Conversation this weekend. Wife, ‘Did you remember to make that phone call I asked you to make?’ Me, ‘You asked me twice already, and the answer is still the same, yes. I think you are losing your memory.’
“Pause. Me, ‘Do you remember who I am ?’ Wife, ‘Unfortunately, yes!’”

What’s in a name?
TODAY’S piece of whimsy comes from Craig Deeley who says: “Necessity is the mother of Invention. And there are lots more people in our family with stupid names.”

A slap for David
SUNDERLAND’S Glaswegian manager David Moyes is in trouble for joking with a female spots reporter that she “would get a slap”. It reminds us of when he took over as manager of Manchester United, and was less than convincing. The joke  at the time was: “What’s the difference between Prince Andrew and Manchester United?” The answer being: “Prince Andrew has never regretted getting rid of Fergie.”