Bun fight in Greenock
OUR bakery story reminded Tom Strang in Barrhead of his student days driving a van for Ascot Bakery in Greenock. Says Tom: “As the last customer left my van, a four-year-old boy jumped into the back and said, ‘Mister, gies a bun’.
“When I asked if he had any money and he said no, I told him he couldn’t have one. After a five second delay, the urchin said, ‘Gies a bun mister or I’ll fart in your van’.
“He duly got the bun.”

Losing your balance
DID you have a good bank holiday? A reader going to work yesterday morning in Glasgow was queueing at an ATM when the chap in front told his pal: “They should have a defibrillator beside these machines when you check your balance after a holiday weekend.”

Wiped smile off his face
SOMEHOW we stumbled into tales of primary school toilets, and Ian Forrest reminds us: “When my stepfather was teaching a new P1 intake at Edzell Primary, one wee lad fae up the glens was excused to go to the toilet. Several minutes later he reappeared and asked in a loud voice, ‘Wha aboot here wipes erses’?”
“Poor fastidious John, a bachelor until 50, had to do the honours.”

Art attack
SEE modern art? Deedee Cuddihy visits the Gallery of Modern Art in Glasgow where a large sign at the main gallery states: “The new exhibition is Cancelled”. When she asked a member of staff for more information she was told that the exhibition later this month is indeed going ahead, and unfortunately for staff, it is indeed called “Cancelled”.

In the dog house
PARENTING continued. A Bearsden parent asked his daughter  on her return from nursery with a painting what it was. “Our dog,” she replied. “It’s very good,” he told her.
“Then why did you not know what it was?” she asked.

It’s a steal
STREET traders continued. Gordon Casely recalls: “Years ago at the Barras I watched two chaps selling bath towels. They started the prices high, and then came down to a mere pound for what they claimed  was 100 per cent genuine Egyptian cotton. I felt I couldn’t lose, so tentatively stuck my hand up. The lead trader must have seen the look of disbelief on my face, for he turned to his china and said, ‘A towel to the gen’leman ower therr. And pit it in a poly bag tae keep the gen’lman’s fingerprints aff the stolen property’.”

Tart reply
MORE on Ecclefechan Tarts as Jim Arnold on Arran tells us: “Recently, the new owners of the village shop were encouraged by the visiting wholesaler to stock Ecclefechan Tarts. Not familiar with it, they asked a regular if she had ever heard of an Ecclefechan Tart. Before she could answer, a voice from further down the queue replied stoically, ‘Aye, a’ married wan o’ them’.”

Hard to swallow
AFTER The Herald news story about Theresa May having an awkward dinner with Jean-Claude Juncker, President of the European Commission, a reader emails us the menu from the dinner: Cold shoulder, pig’s ear and egg on face, followed by hard cheese, and sour grapes for dessert.