Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazar’s Revenge (12A) **

Dirs: Joachim Rønning, Espen Sandberg

With: Johnny Depp, Javier Bardem, Geoffrey Rush

Runtime: 129 minutes

IF ever there could be ideal preparation for helming a Pirates of the Caribbean movie it is surely, as in the case of Norwegian directors Joachim Ronning and Espen Sandberg, previously making Kon-Tiki, a film about Thor Heyerdahl’s 101-day crossing of the Pacific on a raft.

There is something about the Pirates franchise, you see, that shouts “long”, and we are not talking the obvious piratical connection with Robert Louis Stevenson’s Long John Silver. It may be the length of time that the series, inspired by a Disney theme park ride, has been going: 14 years now. This, Salazar’s Revenge, is the fifth instalment.

It could be the cast and crew lists: long, and even longer.

Or perhaps it is that each film seems to go on forever, like taking a voyage on the Kon-Tiki followed by a slow boat to China and coming home the long way, via ScotRail, on a Sunday.

It is as if time itself has slowed to a crawl as all the old familiars, from Johnny Depp’s tired and emotional Captain Jack Sparrow to a hopelessly convoluted story, go bobbing by.

The franchise is back after an interval of six years, and the break has done some good. The story of a ghost captain out for revenge is leaner than we are used to, calling to mind the first film; Depp has dialled down his Sparrow act somewhat, though it still hovers around the 11-mark; and towards the end there is a belter of a set-piece scene at sea. Despite all this, Salazar’s Revenge still creaks and groans like a ship about to take a dive down to Davy Jones’s locker.

Since Pirates has been going for so long it seems entirely credible that we should now be into the second generations of the characters. The film starts with young Henry Turner, son of Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) from movies past. Henry (Brenton Thwaites), has gone to sea in the hope of lifting the curse that he believes has kept his father from him all these years.

Henry is not the only sea dog who believes he is labouring under a curse. Captain Jack Sparrow has lost that which is most important to him. He still has his crew, he still likes to relieve other people of their money and get pie-eyed a lot, but he does not have his ship. Without that he is more of a joke than a pirate, as his crew keep reminding him.

The third wheel on this wagon of outsiders is Carina (Kaya Scodelario), an astronomer whose intelligence prompts accusations that she is a witch; and the fourth wheel is the Captain Salazar of the title, played by Javier Bardem (once a Bond baddie, now a Pirates baddie). Salazar is an outsider by virtue of being dead yet still walking and sailing around, a soul in torment. Salazar blames Jack Sparrow for his predicament, and he will have his revenge.

After endless rounds of yo-ho-hoing, bottles of rum, and every other pirate cliche ever invented, all sides settle on an idea of how the curse can be lifted and set sail for the ending accordingly. Thank goodness. Any longer trapped in that cinema and scurvy would have set in.

Relieving some of the boredom are action scenes complete with all the choreographed mayhem Jerry “Top Gun” Bruckheimer can supply. While these are impressive in a draw-the-wax-out-of-your-ears kind of way, some may take more pleasure in the less gaudy, more crafted jewels to be found in the film’s treasure chest.

Among these are Scodelario’s performance, with the former Skins’ star using all her comic timing skills to weave a strong, likeable character from not very much, and Stephen Graham (This is England) as Scrum, one of Captain Jack Sparrow’s crew. Scrum, bagging most of the film’s best lines, is as funny as Sparrow used to be.

Still, even these welcome twists cannot quite turn the lumbering behemoth that is a Pirates film into a speedboat.

Now that would be the lifting of a curse.