CONFESSION time; for the first time in my theatre-watching life I’m hoping a show will tank. Not puddles-of-tears-therapy- requiring tank, more an exit-to-the-applause-of-a-one-handed-man-wearing-a-pink-soft-mitten tank.

Why this desire for mild disaster? Alex Salmond is performing at the Fringe in his Unleashed show. But before you suggest this is schadenfreude framed by political bias, an attempt to rip the knitting of the Nationalist Arran jumper, it’s not the case. It’s about concern, worry that our politicians have gone light entertainment rogue.

These days they are far too fast in reaching for the lame jacket in the wardrobe. In recent weeks, we’ve witnessed Ed Miliband and Iain Duncan Smith slip into the world of light entertainment as radio presenters. We’ve watched Ed Balls bounce onto the Strictly dance floor (and seen his surname become an adjective in the process.) And Jeremy Corbyn, fresh from the Glastonbury Pyramid stage where he introduced an American hip-hop act, is also fronting it out at the Fringe.

But this hearty embracing of the world of sparkle and sequins suggests the need to be noticed has always been stronger than the desire to change the world for the better. Back in the day (before journalists uncovered the expenses scandals, details of moat building, house flipping and screaming nepotism) we assumed good intent in our political leaders. But now the fear is the spotlight has been the lure all along, politics simply an opportunity to self-aggrandise rather than make a difference.

The worry is we are growing too many Giles Brandreths or Lembit Opiks, creatures who seem so showbiz you wonder why they didn’t go direct to the Italia Conti stage school in the first place and declare their true intent was to take up with a Cheeky Girl.

While in 2005 it was glorious to watch George Galloway wrap the US Senate Committee around his little finger, it was rather inglorious to see the Bethnal Green MP a year later on Celebrity Big Brother purring like a pussycat while trying to please an attractive woman. (Although to be fair we’ve all done that.) If politicians could entertain it would have been discovered at school. Nicola Sturgeon and Ruth Davidson should have remembered this when performing the elevator gag on Channel Four’s The Last Leg, which never really got off the ground. (To be fair, Davidson has good timing.)

Too many political figures can’t seem to content themselves with politicking. All too often they want to be recast in the role of artistes and raconteurs, to front book festivals (Nicola Sturgeon in Edinburgh), to be seen as erudite, charismatic and clever. Why can’t they just get the roads fixed, stop schools falling down, or open treatment centres for those suffering Brexit damage to the brain?

The PR people who represent the elected will however elect to argue these sojourns into showbiz allow for politicos to reveal a human side. And this can be true. But wouldn’t it be better if humanistic essence was worked out by working selflessly, for a charity or whatever, where skills in making things happen could be utilised?

Yes, sometimes MSPs end up jobless. And when the likes of Tommy Sheridan and Rosie Kane took to the stage they would have argued it was better than an appearance at the Job Centre. But their stage show performances revealed that winning over a crowd from a soapbox or beating Bernard Ponsonby on points in an STV debate isn’t the same as slaying a Festival audience with a killer gag.

What politicians need to do is stop ents career signalling and give up on the grease paint. They need to be boring again, and rather unkempt (think Michael Foot, Anne Widdiecombe) because politicians are supposed to be the grown-ups in the room whom we rely upon to make sure our world is safe from climate change or the two crazy haircuts (Trump and Kim Jong-un.)

If John McLean were alive right now do you think he’d be meringueing on Strictly? Would Churchill be hip-hoping like Ed Miliband? No. They’d be talking free trade, or foodbanks.

That’s not to say politicians can’t come over to the dark side of the media; over the years Brian Walden, Austin Mitchell, and Michael Portillo have used their powers for good. But they never once licked a Polish actress’s hand on TV or force-fed us a torturous anecdote.

There’s an old quote politics is showbiz for ugly people. What that suggests is our elected need to perform. But the reality is they need to stop performing. There may indeed come a time when it’s fine for politicians to perform on reality shows or front vanity projects but that time will be when conflicts are resolved and vast economic disparities removed.

Now, these showbiz politicians may claim hypocrisy, that I’m the media tart who turns up on Radio Scotland’s Shereen and loves the sound of my own voice. Maybe there’s a little showbiz DNA is in all of us. But I never set out to change the world for the better, just write about those who said they would.

Stay leashed, Alex.