Ferry nuff

OUR tales about Scottish geography remind David Watson in Cumbernauld about delivery drivers having to cope with their offices being able to track their vehicles. Says David: "Modern delivery vehicles are now routinely equipped not just with trackers but with gizmos that transmit speed, harshness of braking and acceleration etc to employees.

"Following a recent delivery to Kirkwall Airport a poor driver was called on his company mobile by head office and asked, 'You've been going backwards for 20 minutes. What's going on?' He shook his head and explained he was on the ferry."

Money talks

HARD to keep track on all the claims of sexual harassment at Westminster. A Kelvinbridge reader phones to explain: "Surely it won't be long before an MP goes on the news to claim that the best way of dealing with it is to give all MPs a pay rise - it's what they've done at every other problem that's raised about Westminster."

Thanks for the memories

GROWING old continued. An Ayrshire reader tells us one senior member at his golf club suddenly announced: "How long into a conversation is it too late to admit that you've forgotten someone's name?"

As folk thought about it, he then added: "We've been married for 20 years."

Doggy tale

OUR stories about GPs are now straying into the apocryphal. Says Iain McNicol: "A colleague told of his trainee days in the East End of Glasgow when his trainer explained how in some of the most deprived high-rise flats you would come across families who were coping wonderfully well - he described them as 'oases'. They were called to one such block to see a child with a high fever, and entered a lovely clean apartment. 'An Oasis', whispered the trainer.

"But as the child was being examined an Alsatian walked in, squatted, and relieved itself. The doctor looked on in horror as nobody attempted to stop the dog so they beat a hasty retreat. 'I got that wrong,' said the doctor but the father shouted after them, 'Are you not taking your dog, Doctor?' Too polite to challenge what they assumed was the doctor's dog."

Cold shoulder

WE'VE mentioned the challenges of teenage children. Says a Bishopbriggs reader: "My teenage son complained the house was too cold. I suggested tidying his room would warm him up. Suddenly he wasn't that cold after all."

A little knowledge

COMEDIAN Billy Connolly has received his knighthood. We read that the Byres Road pub The Aragon was where he signed his first professional contract. The Aragon is across the road from the old Western Infirmary and was a favourite spot for staff and patients alike. We recall a reader telling us he was there when a chap declared: "My sister is driving me nuts saying our da is going to die and I should phone the doctor. But he's no going' tae die, ah work over in The Western."

After a pause he added: "Ok, ah work in the boiler-room, but after a few years you pick things up."

Shown the door

HALLOWE'EN last night, and a Bearsden reader muses: "Do you think the first Hallowe'en in Scotland was simply a child telling its parents he was hungry, and his parents telling him, 'Well go and ask the neighbours for food."

Scary stuff

OK then, a daft Hallowe'en gag to mark the occasion. A reader emails: "My mate said, 'There's only one thing about Hallowe'en that scares me'. I asked, 'Which is?' 'Exactly,' he replied."