Holding a torch

WHILE folk worry about driving in the snow over the weekend, congratulations to Scottish Tory leader Ruth Davidson who drove to and from Edinburgh on Sunday night to deliver the Immortal Memory at Giffnock Synagogue's Burns Supper. Not only did Ruth delight the packed audience with her astute observations on the life of Robert Burns, she also got a cheer from the women when she observed: "Ladies, if you want to light up a man's eyes, shine a torch in his ears."

Any other Burns Supper observations as we approach the great man's day?

Here's your jotters

DANGER! We are going down memory lane to talk about school jotters in Glasgow. I say Danger as I recall many had "Danger! Danger! Danger!" printed across the front as part of some shock tactics to warn us about crossing the road safely. There were also obscure tables on the back to tell you, I think, how many perches were in an acre. Anyway David Miller in Milngavie tells us: "Music hall comedian Jack Radcliffe would tell of visiting the doctor. 'I'm going to limit you to one ounce of alcohol per day', said the doctor. 'I went home and looked up my wee boy's school jotter', Jack told his audience, 'and it said sixteen drams equals one ounce'."

What are the odds

BIG sports news is that Northern Ireland manager Michael O'Neill has turned down the job offer to be the new Scotland manager. As online bookmakers McBookie wryly observed: "Not sure what is worst. Michael O'Neill turning us down, or seeing Alex McLeish and Malky Mackay are now 2/1 joint favourites for the Scotland job."

Going underground

COLOURFUL insults that should be preserved, continued. Says Eric Hudson: "Some years ago, on a lunchtime visit to a place of refreshment in Argyle Street, I noticed a group of young men trying to chat to the girl behind the bar. The trouble was, she was the one doing the talking. Eventually, when she paused for breath, one of the men remarked, 'The trouble with her is she's got a mooth like the Clyde Tunnel – never shut'."

The brush-off

TALKING of pubs, a Glasgow reader heard some young chaps in his local at the weekend discussing marriage. Eventually one of them declared: "When you're married, every kiss begins with, 'Have you brushed your teeth yet?'"

Took it on chin

THE HERALD reported that the SNP had been accused of lampooning Herald political columnist David Torrance by having a chap with a similar beard and glasses in a political broadcast being the bore in the kitchen at a party who drones on erroneously about the SNP Government doing nothing for Scotland. A west-end reader contacts us to say he is confused as he had just returned from walking down Byres Road where every second person had a beard and glasses.

And another claimed: "I've heard that the actor in the SNP's political broadcast is furious after being compared to David Torrance as 'it's the only face I've got and now I'll have to wear a hood'."

Hard to swallow

WE bump into a colleague who appears to be in some discomfort. "One day there will be a cure for these infernal hiccups. But I’m not holding my breath," he tells us.

Miss your turn

"I HOPE it's not my turn to be Ukip leader," says Oonagh Keating.