Bit of a blow
OUR story about the practice nurse sarcastically asking the patient if he wanted to shave his eyebrows before stepping on the scales, reminds Michael McGeachy: "In the seventies my school friend Kenny got a summer job as a petrol pump attendant, filling tanks in these pre help yourself days. One evening a guy drove up, and said, 'Just gie us two pints of three star, I'm in a hurry'. Replied Kenny, 'Certainly sir. And would Sir like me to sneeze in his tyres also?'
"The customer was a golfing buddy of the proprietor, and Kenny got his jotters the following day. Some people have no sense of humour."
Ad hominem
AT least one bookmaker has made the posh and erudite backbencher Jacob Rees-Mogg as favourite to be the next leader of the Tory Party. But as one Diary reader warns: "When listening to Rees-Mogg, take a tip barristers learned over many years - drivel doesnt make any more sense just because you season it with a little Latin."
And as Still Game writer Greg Hemphill observes: "I've not had a good night's sleep since I found out Jacob Rees-Mogg is the same age as me."
Driving point home
REMEMBER your nervousness when you had to sit your driving test? A young West of Scotland chap remarked on social media the other day: "My driving instructor said to me, 'Are you just back fae Tenerife?' and I went, 'Naw, just the sun beds'. And then he said, 'No, it's because you're on the wrong side of the road."
Not so new
MANY folk will agree with Michele who observed: "New Year’s Day was this month. Why does it feel like it was six months ago?"
What a pile
WE should close the book on our old school jotter stories, but before we do, Barham Brummage in Bathgate tells us: "During my teaching career I had many different types of covering: wallpaper, brown paper, greaseproof paper, but the one that stands out literally was when I had been nagging a lad to get his jotter covered for several days. Eventually he turned up beaming from ear to lug with a covering of...carpet. A good chunk of thick pile had been glued to the front and back. I suppose he would be the only kid who had to Hoover his jotter."
Key observation
BURNS Suppers continued, as a Motherwell reader recalls attending one such supper organised by local police officers, and held in the recreation hall of the police station. After the event a sergeant was heard to observe: "It's funny. Here we are taking drunks out the front door and putting them in taxis while at the same time taking drunks in the back door and putting them in cells."
Cutting remark
A PARTICK reader swears to us he saw a young lad running along Dumbarton Road wearing a cape so he jocularly shouted after him: "Are you a superhero?" and the chap shouted back: "Naw, I've no paid fur ma haircut."
Off at a tangent
I SHAKE my head as out of the blue a colleague emphatically tells me: "I just pray that if I am ever taken in for questioning, it's not Trigonometry."
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here