Sweet

A GLASGOW lawyer tells us of a colleague representing a client in a divorce case and how he had asked her to write down her income and outgoings. At the end where she wrote what she had left over every month she had simply put "F.A." When he stood up and told the Sheriff that she had absolutely no income left when the bills were paid his client looked confused and whispered to him: "Family allowance."

On the slide

OUR tale of the cinema usherette who walked down the aisle at her wedding backwards, has entertainer Andy Cameron reminiscing: "The Wee Royal, in Main Street Bri'gton, had forms rather than individual seats so the usherette would put you in at one end and tell the rest to ‘shove alang a bit’. The result was that the one at the other end was dumped into the aisle and promptly ran back to the other end to start the process all over. It was a sort of Magic Roundabout before the telly."

Any other stories of the old cinemas?

Take note

GROWING old continued. An East Kilbride reader tells us: "Remember when you were young and you thought £50 was a huge amount of money?"

Well oiled

JIM Mason tells us about a workmate travelling to Brechin for the Falkirk game whose oil warning light came on. Says Jim: "He diverted to the local Asda to buy oil but couldn’t remember what grade he required but thankfully the car accessory aisle had a phone number advertised to which you could text your reg. number and they would text back the required oil grade. He sent his registration number and 30 seconds later he heard a call for the owner of his car reg. number to contact customer service.

"Mightily impressed he made his way to the desk and said he was the owner and what type of oil did he need? The girl looked puzzled and said, 'No idea what you're on about, but you've left your car bonnet open'."

Fur goodness sake

A WEST End reader swears to us that one of her girlfriends told her: "My office computer password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename my cat."

An age thing

WHERE did the time pass? Punk rocker John Lydon's group Public Image Ltd has announced its 40th anniversary tour and will be at Glasgow's O2 ABC in June. It reminds us of when Glaswegian Keith Warwick, dressed as Johnny McRotten, i.e. John Lydon, in the tribute band the Scottish Sex Pistols, bumped into John in a London hotel foyer. John gave Keith the once-over and sneered: "So this is the **** who's supposed to look like me?'' Keith silenced him with the reply: ''So, this is how I'm going to look when I'm 15-years older?''

Dessert your post

A READER in a Glasgow restaurant the other night heard a woman at the next table order a complicated dessert, and the waiter explained: "Just to let you know, it will take 20 minutes to prepare."

"So why are you still standing here?" she replied.

Crying time

A YOUNG mother in Lenzie phones to tell us: “You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.”