Currying favour

TALES of apprentices to mark Scottish Apprenticeship Week, and Raymond Lowe at Scottish Engineering tells us: "I was the apprentice instructor at Babcock's in Renfrew in the mid-1970s. At the lunch break I was approached by a number of the apprentices complaining that the water coming out of the urn was rather cloudy. On examination I found a boil-in-the-bag curry with rice in the urn. Ten out of ten for initiative. I wonder if he became the managing director?"

Light my fire

OUR old cinema stories remind Charlie Neill in Dumbreck: "Late-1950s in the winter at the Vogue cinema in Govan; I was in the circle (that’s upstairs for those too young) in the front row with my date when we smell smoke. A look over to the stalls reveals flickering flames followed by frantic ushers who then frogmarch a youth from the premises who protests vehemently, 'but it’s f****n cauld'. You can take the boy out of Govan but..."

Meating of minds

A WEST-END reader tells us that one of her girlfriends has admitted that her new boyfriend is not that bright after she told him she liked her steaks rare and he replied: "What? Like kangaroo or bison?"

Flagging it up

GLASGOW'S Lord Provost is planting a tree in Queen's Park this week to mark the 450th anniversary this year of the Battle of Langside, arguably the last battle fought in the Glasgow area, which involved the troops of Mary, Queen of Scots, and those of the Regent Moray. Colin Botfield, Deacon of The Hammerman, one of Glasgow's 14 Incorporated Trades, tells me that the Hammerman still have two silk banners that were flown at the battle in 1568. Adds Colin: "Contrary to what you might hear from others, we did not fight on both sides, but probably did arm both sides as the Hammermen had a monopoly then on making swords. We were on the winning side of Regent Moray."

Ah yes Regent Moray, who had a pub named after him in Glasgow. Now that's fame, although it's since been renamed.

Pillow talk

OUR recent tales of student life reminds a former Glasgow Yoonie student of a neighbour knocking at the door at two in the morning and announcing that he couldn't sleep. Our reader's flatmate who answered the door drunkenly told him: "Well, you're in luck. Our party's still going so come on in."

Feel the noize

GROWING old continued. Our old chum Jim Davis, a retired scribbler from The Daily Record, confesses: "Knowing my teenage granddaughter was fond of some of the older rock bands, I asked her, 'What band are you into at the moment?' When she replied I delightedly told her, 'Brilliant. When I was with the Record, I spent a less than sober night with Slade in a Glasgow hotel interviewing them after their concert in the legendary Apollo theatre. They were a great bunch of guys'.

"At that stage, she looked puzzled and butted in, 'Grandad. I said Suede!'"

Swept off feet

A GLASGOW reader swears he heard a young chap in the pub at the weekend announce: "I made my girlfriend's dreams come true by marrying her in a castle, although you wouldn't have thought it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around."

Sacre bleu

WHAT have I started? Reader Paul McGivern emails: "Your mention of Oscar-winning fish film The Shape of Water missing a trick by not ending with the French word Fin, reminds me of my favourite French film – And. I believe it was released in Britain under the title ET."