Play the game

MARK Boyle in Johnstone attended a gig at Glasgow Stereo this week by singing duo Let's Eat Grandma - fans of proper punctuation, clearly - and was surprised they only played for a miserly 45 minutes. On the train home he got talking to some returning Celtic fans from the nil-all draw in Dundee and told them his tale of woe. Says Mark: "They replied that was still more than Celtic or Dundee did over ninety!"

Taking off

OUR tales of entertaining kids at Glasgow Airport leads us to Still Game actor Gavin Mitchell, who plays barman Boabie, who revealed on social media yesterday: "Glasgow Airport at 4 a.m. when you've had little or no sleep and you're dealing with a team of young boys on a stag doo who are 'Still Game' daft." But as a pal replied: "How can you be at an airport that early and not share the obligatory pic of your pint?"

Liquid lunch

TALKING of going on holiday, Mungo Henning tells us: "In the Lake District, my wife and I took a short ferry journey on Lake Windermere to arrive

at Bowness around lunchtime. Being the only two passengers during this short hop on a rainy day, we struck up a conversation with the crew, and I asked them for recommendations for a lunch venue. Three alternative establishments were mentioned, but a crewman was keen to promote one venue. He thought his recommendation would swing it when he told me the soup-of-the-day was Carlsberg."

On a break

A GLASGOW reader getting the train into town swears he heard a woman bumping into an old pal tell her: "I recently ended a three-year relationship." She then added: "It’s OK though, it wasn’t mine."

Tea time

A PR named Pamela emails to tell us it's National Tea Day later this month, whatever that may be. It does though remind us of the Kelvin Hall staff member who was explaining to an underling the art of tea-making in an urn. The trick it seems is to put in four tea bags for each gallon of water, so that a four-gallon urn should have 16 tea bags.

''And how do we know when it's ready?'' asked the younger member of staff. ''Simple,'' said the older one. ''What we do now is go for a fag, and when we are finished, the tea will be ready.''

Working on it

A BAILLIESTON reader asks us a question that's been puzzling him, "How do you," he asked, 'become a gruntled employee?"

Love it

TODAY'S piece of daftness comes from Adam in Devon who writes: "It's exactly seven years ago to the day, at precisely 12:36pm, just after I'd boiled myself an egg for dinner with three slices of toast cut corner to corner (slightly buttered). Then I sat down and read an article about how people with good memories make incredible lovers."

Got to laugh

COLUMNIST Brian Beacom the other day in The Herald mentioned the success in America of the relaunched comedy series Roseanne, in which the eponymous lady declared her support for Donald Trump. The Daily Telegraph went even further, calling for a Tory supporting comedy in Britain. John in Soho suggests One Foot in the Grave But Fine to Work" and someone else came up with Mrs Brown's Boys Still Living With Their Mum Owing to Unaffordable Property Prices.

Any other suggestions?