Stamp it out

A NEWTON Mearns reader went into his local Post Office for some stamps and was told that the first-class stamp has gone up from 65p to 67p, and the second-class one up from 56p to 58p. "I suppose," he told the assistant, "that they never thought of rounding it up to 70p as they didn't want to cut all those queues of folk here in the shop raking through their purses for the correct money?"

Of her own accord

A READER updates that well-known old joke in the light of the current political news. Theresa May: "One of my constituents is moving to the Caribbean." "Jamaica?" "Yes."

And a Glasgow reader heard a toper in his local at the weekend declare: "I told Camelot I'd won the lottery, but they wouldn't pay up until I showed them the winning ticket as evidence. But I told them the Prime Minister says you don't need to show any evidence as long as it's been obtained from sensitive intelligence sources."

Last straw

A WALK through the St Enoch Centre in Glasgow shows a few empty shops as the centre awaits the demolition of the old BHS store at one end and the building of a new cinema and restaurant complex. We still remember a previous stroll through the centre when we passed a mum asking her youngster in the buggy she is pushing for a drink from the carton of juice he is holding, but he won't hand it over.

She told him: "I wipe your a***. The least you can do is share your drink."

Called for more

THE Herald reports that Rangers striker Kenny Miller is looking likely to have played his last game for the club after a fall-out with caretaker manager Graeme Murty. Kenny, of course, was once the subject of one of the most lyrical commentaries on the radio when he came on as a substitute in a game against Kilmarnock and scored the winning goal in a 3-2 encounter. The Radio Clyde commentator Dougie McDonald, clearly a fan of Procol Harum, had obviously been waiting for that moment as he declared over the airwaves: "Kenny Miller! Rangers are ahead! As the Miller tells his tale, Killie's face at first just ghostly, turned a whiter shade of pale!’'

Volunteering her opinion

A WORKER in a Glasgow office was impressed when his boss came up to a fellow worker and told her cheerily: "You've been volunteered to..." She interrupted her boss and said: "I think you'll find that the word is 'voluntold'."

What a nerve

WEATHER a bit better these days and more folk are out in our parks taking their dogs for walks. We bump into old chum Jack Konopate who wants to pass on to one such dog walker: "If you have to call ‘Roxy’ 25 times in a voice that some humans reserve for talking to babies, and she completely ignores you, then guess what? She’s either hard of learning, deaf, or your high-pitched whine is grating on her nerves as much as it is on mine."

Warm thoughts

TALKING of dogs, we receive a random email from a reader who tells us: "Happiness is a warm puppy.

"The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat."

Cupboard love

AN AYRSHIRE reader tells us a fellow member in his golf club was telling him the other day: "I opened a kitchen cupboard and managed to catch a glass before it fell out on my head. I just put it back on the same spot to see if my wife's reflexes are as good as mine."

On the record

A STUDENT doctor in Glasgow swears to us that he asked a patient, when taking his medical history, if there was anything that ran in the family that he should know about, and the auld fella replied: "Disappointment."