He'll manage

WE are going to start with sports news as it is reported that St Mirren manager Jack Ross is poised to become the new Sunderland manager. A fan of Sunderland rivals Newcastle emails us with the comment: "So Jack Ross has been appointed as the new Sunderland manager. A lot of people with a casual interest in football might be asking, 'Who?'

"The answer is, of course, that they are a small English club in League One."

Golf driver

AND, talking of sport, Ken Johnson reads in Herald Sport this week that golfer Paul Lawrie had a deal with First Group which led to a bus being named after him. Ken feels that given Paul's surname, sponsorship with haulage firm Eddie Stobart would have been more appropriate. The same sports pages had a story about rugby player Tommy Seymour and, warming to his theme, Ken suggests Specsavers would be the appropriate company to sponsor Tommy. Any other suggestions?

Standing up

DEALING with hecklers, continued. New York stand-up Mark Normand says he was interrupted the other night by an audience member who shouted: "You're white, what do you know about racism?" Mark's sharp response was: "Are you kidding? We invented it."

She may

A QUICK phone call from a reader who tells us: "Just cast a clout. Silly me."

Pump it up

MORE on growing old as readers point out how forgetful it can make you. Sally Barton says: "I once queued up to pay for petrol and – distracted by the BP Wild Bean Cafe and the M&S shop – I hadn't actually filled my car with petrol. This caused the people behind me in the queue some merriment."

Pushing it

READERS' tales of meeting famous people reminds writer Deedee Cuddihy: "More than 70 years ago, my parents lived in an apartment building in New York in which Marlon Brando also lived apparently. This led to my brother, Bob, now living in Leith, claiming many, many times over the decades – to any and every one – that the famous actor, not so famous in those days, had once pushed his pram." It was the reason Deedee gave him a T-shirt for his 71st birthday which stated: "Marlon Brando once pushed my pram." We really should end the tales there as that's hard to top.

Dialling it up

AMONG all the crazy political stories is the news that Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson spoke to a Russian prankster for 18 minutes on the phone who had claimed to be the new prime minister of Armenia. Writer and actor David Schneider thinks Boris's reaction to the news was: "Call that a prank? I tricked a whole nation into voting for something utterly senseless that was completely against their own interests! Thus I win!"

Stretching credulity

AFTER the dire news that Marks & Spencer is cutting its number of stores by 100, reader Alan Morgan tells us: "It was with a fair degree of incredulity that I read in one of the business papers that Marks & Spencer was in advanced talks to buy out the Poundstretchers chain. They have settled on an name for the new stores – Stretch Marks."

Getting a kick

AN AYRSHIRE reader passes on argument from a chap in his golf clubhouse who declared: "Woman claim that childbirth is more painful than being kicked in the goolies, but I don't think that's right. I mean, have you ever heard a man a year after receiving such a kick saying he wouldn't mind you doing it again?"