Future shock: Why the haunting of Coronation Street is genuinely disturbing

Yet, it’s not Corrie that has fulfilled the Biblical prophecy of eternal life. It was actually the soap’s ad break – with strong evidence for resurrection arriving in the unexpected form of Egon from the Ghostbusters punting credit cards. It’s odd Paul the Apostle failed to mention such specifics.

If you haven’t seen it yet, this posthumous turn by the late, great actor Harold Ramis blasphemously condenses the classic 80s movie into a 30-second ode to Halifax’s interest rates. Bill Murray is conspicuous by his absence – clearly thinking better of the whole queasy concept. He is, however, replaced by special effects jiggery pokery with some banker called “Greg”, a cuddly everyman who busts a few ghosts using the power of his flexible friend. ‘Busters fans should note this is all strictly non-canon.

The grand irony is that Ramis did not even have the choice to appear alongside “Greg” killing the undead – by the virtue of being dead himself. If he’d returned as an actual ghost, perhaps biting Dan Ackroyd’s head off for selling him out, it may have injected some imagination into Halifax’s morally bankrupt concept. The dead may be rising, but they are certainly not incorruptible.

Boo the Kehoe

NOT everyone thinks the new Ghostbusters ad campaign is deeply distasteful and indicative of a creatively barren culture gnawing at itself and choking on the vomit.

Catherine Kehoe, Halifax’s managing director for brands and marketing, thinks bustin’ the deceased with a nuclear-powered laser gun creates wonderful synergy with the bank’s core brand values. Perhaps because no-one seems to have told her Ramis is dead.

“As a straightforward bank, we keep things simple,” she enthused. “(We’re) seeing Greg show Dan Ackroyd and Harold Ramis just how easy it is for our current account customers to pay with Visa contactless.” Doubt Ramis is much bothered, to be honest. I suspect Ackroyd will now have a bit of spare cash to spend, however. Kehoe’s nauseating quote could easily serve as a farewell-cruel-world note and even your children would understand why you did it.

The agency behind this unholy abomination, Adam&Eve/DBB, are not naive hucksters – having previously superimposed Halifax’s rotund everyman Greg into The Wizard of Oz, Top Cat and other beloved pop culture creations which reside deep within the collective subconscious psyche.

Clearly, no cherished iconography is sacred when making cold corporate brands synonymous with warm childhood memories. Perhaps “Greg” will be dropped into Titanic next to sell travel insurance.

All is illusion

AT least it’s real Ghostbusters footage that Halifax’s gormless patsy “Greg” now pollutes. Soon, such time-consuming CGI hoo-ha will seem very quaint indeed. In the very near future, not only Ramis but all dead actors will live forever in new movies. You might too – perhaps appearing in footage of an unsavoury event you have no memory of partaking in. That’s because you didn’t and it’s being used to blackmail you. Welcome to the terrifying reality of “DeepFakes”.

In December last year, an anonymous internet user going by the name DeepFakes posted some realistic looking “adult” clips of famous folk on messageboard Reddit. He created these films utilising a sophisticated AI program to insert celebrities’ faces onto the bodies of pornographic film stars. One year on, this software is out there and anyone can use it – with the results growing more convincing by the day. Remember, Space Invaders was indistinguishable from magic just a few decades ago.

DeepFakes software essentially offers users the ability to convincingly swap one face for another in any image or video. Movies such as Gladiator – where Ollie Reed’s long-overdue death meant his head had to be superimposed digitally upon a body double – required skilled CGI experts spending months to get convincing results. A somewhat fitting final curtain call from Ollie, who spent most of his life off his head anyway.

Now though, even Ollie in his most inebriated state could manage to feed a selfie into an algorithm and produce a high quality face swap. And since so many of us have our gurning coupons plastered over the internet, we can all expect to be starring in a movie of our own very soon – indistinguishable from reality and fresh for social embarrassment, bullying or blackmail.

Once you retreat from reality in shame, don’t worry – you’ll be able to entertain yourself by imposing your face onto Indiana Jones or Rocky movies. If this doesn’t appeal, you can always bring about WW3 by propagating some fake news. On the downside, Putin may soon release footage of a certain alleged hotel room encounter with a certain President, who will now be able to claim it’s a DeepFake. And in this world where no court of law can distinguish between real footage and digital fabrication, R Kelly will be a very happy man.

And finally...

DON’T despair of a future where it’s impossible to distinguish illusion from reality – take heart in the fact the young Leia, Luke and Han will be reborn digitally in countless new Star Wars movies (and toys, t-shirts and towels) to consume ravenously for thousands of years to come.

Ironically, geneticists will likely have created real Ewoks by then, and will perhaps be the only flesh and blood creatures left in this immortal franchise. Perhaps we’ll also once again get to fawn over the steely-eyed, chiselled beauty of the young Steven Seagal – getting back to kicking Russian gangster ass instead of just kissing it.

Buoyed by hopes of movie stardom, most young actors are currently signing away the rights to their image for the next million years like a Scientology contract.

Yet, they’re superfluous to requirements. All film studios need now is a selfie and an answerphone message. Troublesome and expensive flesh embodiment of talent will be disposed of. The profession of acting will have as much prospects as journalism in the forthcoming post-truth world, a cosy,familiar prison where we now have all the stars – and facts – we’ll ever need.