'I know the eating disorder would have killed me,' says former Paralympian Jessica Smith

Ms Smith is a former Paralympian, now a motivational speaker, body image campaigner, children's author and mother. I need a double espresso just thinking about it.

Born in New South Wales, she is married to a Scot and returns to East Kilbride to visit her in-laws every year.

She describes herself as being a "water baby" from as early as she can remember, as having been born missing her hand and forearm, it was in the water that she felt equal to her peers and from the age of 10 she started swimming competitively.

"My first race was the 50 metres freestyle, and I beat all the other girls and boys who had two arms," she says. "I remember saying to my mum and dad that I wanted to swim for the rest of my life. It was such an exhilarating feeling because I had surprised everybody – including myself."

Swimming was the early love of Ms Smith's life, but it made her and broke her, freed and her and hobbled her. She remembers the pride of "wearing the green and gold", which she did from the age of 13 to 21 as a para-athlete.

"Growing up with a disability," she said, "I had heard a lot of comments from adults in my life about things I wouldn't be able to do and how my life would be difficult and how there would be so many challenges.

"Being able to excel in swimming showed me and everybody else that I didn't have to be limited by those labels and that my body wasn't going to be limited. I was more than my physical appearance."

Maybe you think you can guess what happened next. Jessica Smith must surely go on to medal success, retire with an impressive career under her belt and make a living from basking in past glories.

Not so. At the 2004 Paralympics in Athens she was expected to win gold. "It was the peak of my swimming career but it all came crashing down," she says.

Ms Smith was expected to medal in three events but was the only member of the Australian swimming team not to make a final. "[It was] a very bittersweet experience at the end because I had succeeded in achieving the goals I wanted to but I had also failed to live up to expectation."

Body image issues led to her developing debilitating anorexia and bulimia, punishing her body when she should have been fuelling it. The stigma around mental health, which she says is improving, meant she was secretive about her problems.

"I felt so ashamed. I was able to disguise my habits as training habits, as part of being a really good athlete. I was training with other women and men who also had body image issues. At that level of competing, you just feel like you're doing something that other people were.

"I was able to convince myself that I was OK because it was part of this culture. We have as a society [an idea] that elite athletes should look a certain way and so I was focused on that."

Ms Smith says she would become frustrated with her peers. "They were training because they enjoyed it and that didn't make sense: why would they put themselves through all of this if you weren't going to go for gold?

"I was excited and thrilled and proud to be representing Australia but it in many ways I've tried to block it out because I didn't have the exhilarating experience I should have."

By this point her eating disorder was in control. Her teeth were falling out, her hair was falling out, she couldn't perform. "In Athens I realised I had to make a decision. I know the eating disorder would have killed me or I would have ended it myself because I couldn't handle it any more."

Making the decision to get help was tough, and made tougher by the fact she still clung on to the dream of succeeding in her sport. The Beijing Paralympics were calling and she tried to make comebacks but elite competition brought with it the danger of falling back into life-threateningly bad habits.

"The will to live was more important than the will to win a gold medal. And I think my story represents a lot of stories because not everyone can win gold," she says.

Part of the difficulty of recovery was deciding what to do next. "Without swimming, what am I? I didn't just want to be a girl with a disability."

She decided she had a responsibility to "pay forward" all the support she had been given. At first, she told her story to eating disorder charities. This led to public speaking. Often, audiences wanted to hear about her swimming career but Ms Smith believed talking about eating disorders, body image and mental health had more value.

Ms Smith had been raised with three younger brothers who expected her to be climbing trees if they were climbing trees, having "punch-ups" if they were having punch-ups. No one in her family, she says, was telling her she couldn't do things and she was never allowed to feel sorry for herself.

She says: "Every time someone told me I wasn't going to be able to do something I had to find a way to do it.

"When I was at school learning how to play the drums everyone was like, 'Oh, Jess won't be able to play the drums,' so I Googled and the drummer of Def Leppard has one arm so if he can find a way, I can find a way. And so I practised and practised until I had the basics."

While her family gave her a lot of resilience, Ms Smith said her teenage years led her to stop listening. She says: "There were no celebrities with one arm, no one on TV and that messaging to me was quite powerful because it said that people didn't want to see it, and so there must be something wrong with me."

As a teenager, she says, no one could have told her to love her body because "society was telling me to hate it".

She realised it was time to start working with much younger children.

Talking to them about social media is vital, she says, teaching them that they don't have to look at accounts that make them feel bad about themselves, teaching them about airbrushing and image manipulation.

Ms Smith says: "This is how young people are learning about the world. As a mother I'm terrified, I'm so anxious about the world my children will grow up in. They will be exposed to that so how can I best prepare them for that?"

Pregnancy brought mixed emotions. It was, she says, vital to keep reminding herself that all changes to her body were for the sake of her child.

Then, after Alya arrived, allowing herself time to recover and not falling for the pressure that new mothers must lose their baby weight as soon as possible.

Now Ms Smith's focus is on protecting her children from society's preoccupation with appearance. "I want to encourage both of them to be grateful for what their bodies can do and to exercise because it makes them laugh or because it's fun.

"I have to be a role model so they have to see that through how I behave and what I say."

Ms Smith has huge support from her husband, Hamid, a Scottish-born Iranian who she met seven years ago while he was working in Australia. The couple, who married four years ago return to East Kilbride to visit her in-laws every year and the children are being raised to be bilingual in English and Farsi.

Hamid is extremely supportive of his wife's stance. She says: "My husband doesn't know me as that person who had an eating disorder. But he feels the pressure too, to look a certain way and to dress a certain way.

"We're at the mercy of a multi-billion dollar industry focused on men and women to make money from our insecurities.

"We are a mixed race family, I have a disability, he speaks a different language. Because of that my children are really lucky because they've seen diversity from day one.

"We'll make many mistakes but what we can do is manage the way we talk to each other and our kids."

The realisation that she had no role model as a young child, and seeing that lack of diversity still persisting, led Ms Smith to write her first children's book, Little Miss Jessica Goes To School. It tells the story of Jessica, a little girl with a disability.

Publishers weren't convinced so Ms Smith decided to self-publish and the book sold out.

The book is into its third reprint and now publishers are interested. However, its author is keen to continue having full control over the book.

The sequel is due out at the end of the year and details how Jessica gets into swimming. Ms Smith says a series is in the pipeline, each book carrying the message that our bodies do not have to define what we can do.

It was vital to Ms Smith, who was raised in the Catholic faith, that she and her husband share the same goals and present a united front as a family. So when her in-laws asked if she would convert to Islam, it gave her pause. Ultimately, she felt it was the correct thing to do.

"It wasn't enforced, it wasn't an overnight decision. My life has changed and do I feel repressed? Absolutely not. Islam is something that I will forever be educating myself about.

"I don't wear a headscarf: to me, that represents a lot of responsibility. Wearing it for the sake of wearing it would be disrespectful."

She gives an answer to the question of "Why convert?" that could as well fit any of her passions – swimming, writing, body image coaching, her family. "People ask why," she says, "And the answer is love."

LIFE AND LOVES

Career high?

Swimming: Athens 2004 Paralympic Games. Professional: being named a finalist for Young Australian of The Year.

Career low?

Swimming; failing to swim to expectation at the Athens 2004 Paralympic Games. Author: rejection from mainstream publishing houses.

Best advice received?

You can have it all, just not all at once.

Favourite music?

Michael Jackson and Pink.

Favourite film?

I'm a movie buff, I love dramas and crime movies, but for something that I would happily watch over and over again – Love Actually.

Last book read?

I don't get much time to read these days, but I am reading A New Earth by Eckart Tolle for the second time.

And who would be your dream dinner party guests?

Drew Barrymore, Michele Obama, Ellen, Kevin Hart & Roger Federer.