Making a point

WELL, did you watch the World Darts Championship final yesterday on the telly? It does seem a little strange that such a mundane game has gripped the attention of so many people. As Irish bookmakers Paddy Power commented with a truism after the dramatic semi-final game between Michael Smith and Nathan Aspinall: "It’s matches like this that inspire you to go down the pub and throw a few darts yourself. Then your first three darts total up to seven and you can’t hit a double to save your life, so f*** it, stick to five-a-side."

Took off

WELL, OK, if we are going to mention the darts, we should of course mention our favourite darts joke. It's the one about the Glasgow toper in the pub who told his pals: "The wife asked what I was doing on the computer and I said I was looking for cheap flights." He then added: "She got all excited, which is strange, as she's never shown any interest in darts before."

What a shower

DID you survive the New Year? A few folk have been reminiscing about their behaviour at this time of year, and Kimmy confuses: "I once went to a party on New Year's Eve and had too much vodka, so I went upstairs and by mistake puked on all the coats on the bed. It was then I realised of course that I wasn’t in the bathroom. So I took all the coats, put them in the bath and turned on the shower to clean them." Any other New Year confessions?

Sparks fly

IT was great seeing the torch-lit profession through Edinburgh's city centre the other night with thousands of visitors from around the world. It reminds us of Pete Irvine, when he organised Edinburgh's Hogmanay celebrations, having a French act using fire which led to sparks blowing on to the crowd. City officials overreacted and called out the fire brigade. The French company said they had been "artistically raped" and vowed never to perform in Scotland again. When a newspaper reported the occasion as a "flaming hell" six people demanded compensation for burned jackets. "And guess what?" Pete told us. "They were mainly Prada jackets."

Ladled it on

ANDY Kesson passes on: "Overheard in the Chicago Institute of Art, where a small child, reading the description of a painting asked, 'Grandma, what's a brothel?' Grandma, after an enormous pause, explained, 'it's the place where they make soup'."

Coming clean

HOGMANAY was of course the time when lots of folk in Scotland have a good clean of their house to welcome in the New Year. As Glasgow councillor Mhairi Hunter confessed on Monday: "So today I have to clean the house. My New Year resolution should probably be to do it more often so I don't have so much to do at Hogmanay."

Got it covered

MARRIED life, continued. Kent Graham muses: "How can my wife's hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?"

A skoosh

AMY Kinnaird in Ayrshire tells us: "I overheard this gem in a Glasgow cafe last week at lunchtime, 'Do you want ice-cream or skooshy cream with your apple tart?' The question did not raise an eyebrow."

Of course it shouldn't, Amy. A word that makes perfect sense to locals but would leave any visitor to the city struggling. Any other examples?

Paints a picture

SAYS Robin Irvine in Milngavie: "I bought my mother-in-law a mobile phone. Under the picture of the phone that tells you what all the bits are for, is the warning,

'Note! All illustrations are for illustrative purposes only'. I would never have guessed."