Toast to the lassies

OUR countdown to Burns Night continues with Iain Martin pointing out: "Apparently my Canadian son-in-law doesn’t fully understand Burns suppers.

He thinks the men get haggis, neeps and tatties and all the lassies get is toast."

And Willie Gibson tells us: "Years ago the secretary of a club organising a Burns supper in the small coastal town of Howth, near Dublin, spotted a well kent face, who had a house in the town, sitting in the lounge, and asked if he was there for the supper. The new local man advised that he was unable to get a ticket as they were all sold, and the secretary said he would see what he could do. That evening the newly co-opted member carried in the haggis. It was the safest pair of hands in Ireland, as it was Pat Bonner, the ex-Celtic goalkeeper."

Having a ball

WELL, who wouldn't want this? Carol Monaghan, an SNP Glasgow MP suggests: "Usual routine of bobbing and trying to catch the Speaker’s eye in the House of Commons. I think we need to bring this place into the 21st century by having a bingo machine next to the Speaker. Members would wait for a ball with their name to be pulled out. Much fairer and a lot more fun."

And as the Brexit news gets even more gloomy, Government Minister Rory Stewart comes up with a good recommendation: "Let's lock the 650 MPs – me included – into the House of Commons until, like during the election for a pope, the white smoke drifts out, and a deal has been reached."

No joke

WE are as guilty as anyone for having a laugh at all the comments on Brexit that folk post on social media. But as comedy writer Simon Blackwell admits: "I have posted a number of sarcastic tweets on Twitter re Brexit, yet it still seems to be going ahead as if my efforts meant nothing."

Camley's Cartoon: Uniting the Conservative party

Making a pile

WE mentioned teenagers not always being that helpful with the laundry. One harassed mother emails: "Marriage is basically a never-ending cycle of piling the laundry on the bed during the day to make the floor look clean, and then dumping the laundry back onto the floor at night so you have a place to sleep."

Farewell, Andrew

SADDEST news of all yesterday was the death of top chef Andrew Fairlie who not only ran the country's best restaurant, but did it with genuine warmth and friendliness. He was also a great Celtic fan, as we remember from a reception at the Balmoral Hotel in Edinburgh when he had one of his rare nights away from his restaurant in Gleneagles to receive the Walpole Medal of Excellence. Andrew told guests at the ceremony that he was glad there was a photographer recording the event as his staff were convinced he had made the presentation up so he could bunk off to watch a Celtic European tie.

Having a laugh

WELL, it was the announcement of the Oscar nominations yesterday, which doesn't seem to stir up the excitement of the past, but we did like the reaction of Hayley Ellis who declared: "Sitting tight and waiting for my Oscar nomination to be announced. Best supporting actress for when I pretended to laugh at my neighbour's joke, when I was washing my car, and they said, 'You’ve missed a bit'."

Road less travelled

NOTICE how television companies just keep on repeating old formats? Every other week there seems to be a male comedian going on holiday with his mum for a TV series. I can think of Russell Howard, Baz Ashmawy and Romesh Ranganathan. Just looking for a bit of gender balance is stand-up Ruby Martin who declared: "Can't wait to give birth to a famous male comedian so I can finally get my own travel show."

Rise and shine

TODAY'S piece of whimsy comes from Ian Power who says: "Mitsubishi are making robot dentists. They're smaller than the real thing, but are built to scale."

THOSE WERE THE DAYS - 1972: “Anyone without a ticket has no chance of getting a seat”