EastEnders, BBC1 *** ON any trip to Albert Square it is a brave soul who takes a detour down Memory Lane. After all, the soap that started 34 years ago last night with the discovery of a pulverised pensioner has hardly been known for its high chuckle factor.
But stone the bleedin’ crows and ‘ave a banana if the writers didn’t push the boat out for the show’s 34th birthday by bringing back some of the original characters. And they weren’t even dead or nuffink!
Well, one of them was. Dr Legg, recently brought back into the fray, was being laid to rest, and there to pay their respects were Mary and Lofty.
Now, come on, you remember them. Among the ways of finding out a person’s age, apart from cutting them in half and counting the rings (or is that trees?) is to ask who their favourite EastEnder character is. If they say Mary the punk, or Lofty the big drink of water, they are definitely middle- aged.
The day of the funeral dawned with curtains being drawn in only one of the houses in the Square. No-one holds with the old conventions now. Over in the market, Martin Fowler, who has had more faces than Ian Beale has had wives, was telling someone that Dr Legg had been a friend of his gran, Lou. Across the country, a lot of people suddenly felt very old.
This being EastEnders there had to be some drama over the funeral. Dot, one of Dr Legg’s oldest friends, was due to read at the service but she was out of sorts. "I can barely get a cuppa tea down her", said Sonia, which in EastEnders is the equivalent of a hospital code blue.
Just as Dr Legg’s soap life was being brought to a close another was starting, with the arrival of Masood’s sparky nieces. They asked someone what time the restaurant opened. Sorry, haven’t been here for years, said a smartly dressed lady with a peroxide pixie crop. Mary!
Mary had a grown up daughter with her (baby Annie as was), as did Sonia. Must have been a BOGOF offer at the Minute Mart.
Next old face to turn up was Lofty who now owns 15 pubs. "All well away from here," he tells Sharon. Well, obviously. Dangerous game running a pub in those parts. He asks after his ex, Michelle, who is off travelling. In reality, Michelle, played by Susan Tully, became a successful director and producer. Since we’re catching up, Tom Watt (Lofty) makes films for BT Sport, and ghost-wrote David Beckham’s autobiography, while Linda Davidson (Mary) is something big in on-line ops.
Down the Queen Vic after the service, Mary had a dig at Dot for calling her parents and telling them to take baby Annie away. Dot reminded Mary that she also told her to steer clear of Pat, who wanted to put Mary on the game. Pat as a madam. It was a reminder of how dark EastEnders once was, albeit in a grim down south, Loachian way. These days it too often plumps for sensationalism, and is much less effective.
Cathy lightened the mood by reminding everyone of the hilarious time Dr Legg caught Lou’s bedcover in his bag and walked off, trailing it behind him. Sadly, that is what passes as comedy in EastEnders.
The half hour almost up, Lofty gave Martin a cheque for ‘Chelle’s daughter, Vicky, the one he thought was his but was really Dirty Den’s (dark, see?). Everyone piled outside, only to see all the houses in the square had their curtains closed as a mark of respect. Nothing had changed in the East End, after all. Cue the drums...
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