Prince among men

OUR story about having a picture of revolutionary Che Guevara reminded Barrie Crawford: "An elderly couple I used to visit were staunch royalists and had a large picture of the Queen and Prince Philip in their hall. Sadly the husband passed away. Shortly after the funeral the lady was visited by someone from social work who, as she was leaving, noticed the picture and said to the widow, 'My, your husband was a fine looking man'. Her reply would need to be censored."

Ya dancer

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SHOULD Rangers fans gloat at the downfall of Celtic against French side PSG? As Tory MSP Murdo Fraser observed with tongue in cheek: "They've sold out of croissants in Larkhall."

But Irish bookies Paddy Power thought Rangers fans shouldn't get too carried away. As they put it: "Rangers fans taking the mickey out of Celtic - it's like standing outside a nightclub you didn't get into, laughing at someone doing a rubbish dance inside."

Feeling entitled

HOWEVER St Mirren supporter Ian Smart couldn't resist: "Celtic fans will now spend 10 years protesting that Paris St Germain couldn't legally afford the team that beat them and demanding that the official record be rewritten."

Polish him off

A WEST End reader passes on a comment from a friend who told her: "I spent my whole day off cleaning the flat. My husband walked in, didn't notice, and asked if I'd had a relaxing day.

"Now I understand why the spouse is always the first person murder squad detectives suspect."

Brass neck

REAL ale campaigners Camra have picked the Bridge Inn in Peebles as their Scottish pub of the year. It has at least one intriguing feature. As a member of staff once explained: "The old Twyford porcelain urinals are still in use today with their shiny brass pipes. They are a talking point with visitors, and women have often asked to peep in to see them - when it's empty of gentlemen of course!"

Pond life

OUR tales of the old Evening Citizen newspaper veer into daftness as Donald McLarty tells us: "The stories stirred memories of the Citizen's feature writer Cliff Hanley. When STV was in its infancy it would fill odd slots in its schedule with little chats. I remember one teatime Cliff relating some tale about trams on Great Western Road. 'It was near Bingham's Pond,' he said. After a pause he leaned into the camera and said sotto voce, 'For those who don't know, Bingham's Pond is a pond in Glasgow called Bingham's Pond.' He then continued, deadpan as usual, with his tale."

Check this out

PARTICK Thistle's ground at Firhill is to be renamed the Energy Check Stadium as part of a sponsorship deal. Thistle fans have mixed views on the deal. As Tam Britton put it: "It's easy cash, and everyone will still call it Firhill. Mind you, I'm sure it won't be long until someone calls it 'the reality check stadium'."

Has a ring to it

A READER on the train into Glasgow from Whitecraigs heard a young girl tell her pal: "It's cute how they call them 'missed calls' instead of 'avoided calls'."

Hard to swallow

I WAS trying to hurry into the office between showers, but a colleague takes time to stop me and announce: "Do you know what I was doing with my time off? I was improving my knowledge of confectionery from the seventies." I stare at him before he adds: "I took a Refresher course."