A sweater

A LOT of talk about Russia these days. We are reminded of Liberal politician David, now Lord, Steel visiting Russia as a young lad on a student delegation and later writing about visiting a Moscow nightclub: "It was a rather bare place with white tablecloths and a string quartet. In the middle of the dance floor was a goldfish pond. I was invited to dance by a Russian girl who, on the third time round this pool, opened her mouth to reveal a smiling set of stainless steel teeth, and said, 'I will give you my body for your sweater'.'' No, dear reader, he retained his knitwear.

Final thought

AS the more excitable right-wing press in England argue that England should not go to the World Cup finals in Russia this summer because of the poison attack, Ian Power puts it in perspective: "The disappointment of England boycotting the World Cup would never exceed the disappointment of England playing in the World Cup."

Monster bet

TAKING some stick from ex-pats in Australia bragging about being in the World Cup finals when Scotland are not there? Just point out to them that the internet bookies Betway this week slashed the odds on the Loch Ness Monster being proven to exist from 500/1 to 250/1. At the same time Betway is offering odds of Australia winning the World Cup at 300/1 - in other words they believe there is more chance of Nessie being real than of the Ozzies getting their hands on the trophy.

Give them a wave

MUCH reminiscing about the Magnum Centre in Irvine after The Herald published pictures of its demolition. Was it not Clydebank comedian Kevin Bridges in one of his videos who slagged off an anti-immigration demo in Irvine? As he put it: "I read that only 18 people showed up – there would be a bigger turnout if the wave machine broke at the Magnum Centre."


APPRENTICES continued. Says Marie Murray: "My late father was a maintenance engineer, and the factory had a machine making machine parts which was operated by a knee switch. My father told a poor unfortunate apprentice that the machine was voice operated, sat down, and said 'Go!' while pressing the knee switch. Of course, the machine part popped out on cue. The apprentice sat down, said 'Go', and,naturally, nothing happened. My father had lots of sport suggesting the fellow spoke louder, quieter, whisper, should even sing the command, all to no avail while a crowd gathered to watch."

Heat is on

TODAY'S daft musing comes from writer Paul Bassett Davies who declares: "It’s happened again. I was watching a pot and it boiled. What else are they lying to us about?"

Seeing red

THE press pictures of the so-called Rangers Ultra fans in black balaclavas marching on Ibrox at the weekend provokes Edinburgh Thistle fan Tom Hogg, anticipating Thistle's game against Hearts this weekend: "Edinburgh Jags Ultras march to Tynecastle on Saturday. Assemble at Artisan Roast in Bruntsfield at noon. Wear red trousers and something tweed. Bring a black lab if possible."

Chips are down

A GLASGOW reader swears to us that he heard a young chap in his local announce: "My girlfriend's threatening to leave me because she claims I'm more interested in playing poker than in her. I think she's bluffing."