Bottled it

WE savoured a few whisky stories last week which reminded Andy Bryson in Ardrossan: "Around 1970 I worked as a 'shop boy' for Couper Wilkie's Wine Merchant in Saltcoats. A customer asked for our best whisky, and I indicated that the Glenlivet distilled in 1936 was probably the best and it was over £30. He said that would be perfect and I reached up to the top shelf to get the bottle. Couper saw me stretching up and ventured out of the office to oversee the transaction. I was just wrapping it when the customer asked for six bottles of ginger ale. Couper asked the customer if it was to be used with the Glenlivet and when the answer was 'yes' he took it from me, unwrapped it, put it back on the shelf and handed the customer a bottle of Bells, saying, 'You are not putting 1970 Canada Dry into 1936 malt whisky'. Customer went away quite happy, having saved about £25."

Not in tune

DID you enjoy the Eurovision Song Contest? Some folk lap it up, others are not so sure. Says John Dunlop: "One newspaper reported that the Eurovision Song Contest is good for our wellbeing. It is true. I have always felt the better for an early night."

Managing a smile

WE asked about meeting someone famous, and Bill Robertson tells us: "In the sixties an Italian restaurant opened in the city centre and I promised my wife a lunch there. On leaving, a crowd of young chaps bounced in the front door but the last man waited and held the door for my wife. She beamed with a big 'Oh,hello,' to which he responded with a kindly smile and a nod.

"When we got outside she remarked that she knew that man quite well but couldn’t place who he was and I had to inform her that her ‘friend’ was Celtic manager Jock Stein."

Premier Cru

CELTIC of course were presented with the Scottish Premiership trophy yesterday. One Glasgow Celtic fan still has the bottle of Celtic champagne from when they won the title 20 years ago which was handed out to executive guests after the final match which Celtic won 2-0. He points out: "The printed message that Celtic were champions 1997-1998 is on a green and gold sleeve on the neck of a bottle. It is not glued to the bottle but is a removable sleeve. The then canny Celtic owner Fergus McCann was clearly determined not to get stuck with a Paradise cellar full of bubbly he couldn't sell if they hadn't won that day."

Trouble brewing

THE Herald reported that the Donald Trump-owned Turnberry Hotel has banned Irn Bru. Reader Ian Barnett muses: " I cannot help thinking that The Donald believes it is actually called Iran Brew."

Motion detector

READER Rob Smith read our story about the Cameronian soldier attempting to communicate with the French housewife and says: "It reminded me of a consultation I had with a patient from Eastern Europe whose grasp of English was very tenuous. I was impressed that his Scottish girlfriend had come to translate for him. When I asked him how often his bowels moved he gave no response. I looked at his girlfriend for help and she shouted at the top of her voice, 'How often do your bowels move?' He replied with one finger. It just proves the point that, if foreigners cannot understand you, you should just shout louder."

For God's sake

TALKING of the Cameronians, Craig Ross in Newlands, Glasgow, says: "The unit retained its Covenanter religious core, and one of the regimental traditions was to issue a bible to every new recruit. Fighting for his life and screaming encouragement to his pals, one Cameronian in battle was irritated by his pal constantly tugging on his sleeve. 'What?! What?!!', he said, as he worked the bolt of the rifle. His mate looked at him with solemn judgement. 'Gonny mind your language?'"