Driven demented

AND so the hot weather continues, although some folk find it uncomfortable. Still Game actor Gavin Mitchell passed on the following conversation he had the other day: “Taxi driver, ‘How was yer night?’ Me, ‘Awright. Yersel?’ Taxi driver, ‘Aye awright, just sittin’ sweatin’ ma a*** aff oan this pvc seat wi this windae open thinking, ‘whit am a dain’ wi ma life? Why did a no try harder?’”

Doing the business

WE asked about the stress at airports, and Derek Manson-Smith in Glasgow tells us: “In the days when airlines had smoking areas, my late partner and I booked a long-haul flight, specifying non-smoking. We found ourselves in the middle two seats of the middle four row with smokers either side. We complained to the cabin crew, who said the plane was full, and our neighbours complained about us. My partner then had hysterics and she was swiftly moved to business class, while I spent a sleepless trip with two chain-smokers. When I later asked if that was for real, she just smiled.”

A dog’s life

MOTHERWELL football club now has a Spanish and a French player with Alex Rodriguez Gorrin joining Cedric Kipre. So the club had them attempting to understand Scottish Twitter messages which the bamboozled players tried to read out while being interviewed at the club’s summer training camp in Ireland. Among the messages that had them stumped were: “Why dae folk ask babies stupid things like ‘Ur getting awffy big aren’t ye?’ As if the wee one’s gonna be like, ‘Aye Moira, yer spot on, am on the protein’.” And the sublime: “I’d be so ragin’ if I was a sniffer dog. A dug with a job. All your pals doon the park sniffing backsides ‘n’ you canny cos you’re on backshift.”

A bit Rough

OLD joke time –“You’ve got yourself a keeper there,” said the chap in the pub looking at a picture of his mate’s new girlfriend. “So you think she’s good-looking?” said his delighted pal. “Naw,” replied his mate. “She looks like Alan Rough.” We only mention it as we would like to congratulate former Scotland keeper Roughie becoming a director of Partick Thistle. A colleague once told us he was at a Sportsman’s Dinner when the chairman introduced guest speaker Roughie by saying Alan’s old goalkeeping gloves were to be used in the fight against worldwide infection.’’After all,’’ he said, “if you wear these, there is absolutely no chance of catching anything.’’ By gum POLITICS in Britain a bit mental just now. As Tory MP Anna Soubry said yesterday: “There must be something not quite right in your life when 45 minutes in a dentist’s chair having a rather large root canal filling becomes a relaxing lie down and thinking time.”

And it’s not any better in America. Entertainer Bette Midler caustically put it: “This will be the first time a President looks exactly the same his whole time in office, while the rest of us visibly age due to the stress his lousy job puts us through.”

Collector’s item

OUR story about the teenager’s dirty laundry being picked up by the charity collection reminds Carole Gillan: “Last Autumn I collected leaves from the garden and put them in two black bags to take to the tip. I also filled a charity bag with used clothes and carefully put it on the step for collection, with the two bags of leaves in the porch behind a storm door. My son came home late, moved the leaves bags on to the step to open the inside door and left them there. Well you can guess the rest. Three bags collected. Surprise for charity.”