That'll learn you
THE Herald story about record numbers of teachers being investigated for improper coaching to help pupils pass exams reminds a reader: "In the education department where I worked it was well-known that one headteacher had for years given the pupils a dry run through tests the day before they were administered officially. With such inevitably high results she became known in the education offices as Amazing Grace."
Wipe the smile
JOURNALISM lost one of its singular talents with the death of Albert Morris at 91 who in his day wrote erudite but always amusing columns in The Scotsman. He once was guest speaker at a dinner, and as he recalled afterwards: "I had to hire an evening suit as mine was being cleaned to rid it of collected waiter droppings. It had what seemed a handkerchief with a smartly serrated edge showing at the top pocket.
"During my speech, I reached for the supposed handkerchief, which resisted my increasingly desperate tugs. Suddenly, there was a rending sound and the article - a wretched sliver of cloth attached to a cardboard base - was revealed in all its tawdry tastelessness. My astonished face, doubtless resembling a ripe nectarine, set the tables in a roar and my gas at a peep."
Any other embarrassing moments our readers are willing to confess?
Cop that
OUR tales of tourists remind David Russell in Penicuik of a local, building a house, who was wearing a t-shirt with "Sheriff" printed within a star on the front and carrying a long-handled axe he had just bought in a hardware store. Says David: "Bearded and looking a bit like Grizzly Adams he walked down the main street only to be accosted by a passing American tourist driving a camper van. 'Excuse me officer, is this the route to Edinburg?' After giving the colonial cousin directions he wondered what this guy thought Scottish cops actually looked like."
Basket case
AS the Edinburgh Fringe enters its second week we pass on the observation from stand-up Ed Gamble at the Pleasance Courtyard: "The Fringe is a real rollercoaster. One night might be a polite, smiley crowd and the next might be a stag do where the stag is dressed as an avocado. Kill me now."
Meanwhile the smaller Fringe By The Sea Festival has just finished a successful run in the more douce North Berwick, just down the road from Edinburgh. Organisers had even employed a young man, Chris Spy, as the official litter collector, however they had not realised that the good burghers of this East Lothian town don’t drop litter. Chris was heard complaining how bored he was. “I feel like kicking over a bin just to create some work” he lamented.
Ringing
WE pass on the observations of Still Game actor Sanjeev Kohli who muses: "Feel sorry for this generation who have never used a phone box. It's not the same, urinating into a mobile."
Fake news
PARTS of the fire-ravaged Macintosh Building at the Glasgow School of Art are being dismantled after the recent fire. As Martin McKeown observed a tad acerbically: "Like the Willow Tea Rooms, the Mac will probably be rebuilt. And like the Willow Rooms it may look and possibly feel like the original, but deep down we all know it isn’t.
"Restorers call this ‘The Rangers option’."
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