All at sea

AS the SFA swithers over whether to keep playing football at Hampden or move to Murrayfield, we are reminded of the students in a sports coaching class at Langside College, discussing media exposure, who were asked to name a famous rower. The first reply was not, as you might expect, Steve Redgrave or Katherine Grainger, but the student who said in all seriousness: "Hampden."

Luncheon meet

GROWING old, continued. Says Scott Barclay: "I had finished lunch with a friend at his golf club. On the way out we were accosted in the car park by a member who asked me, 'Is this your bag? You left it at the bar.' It was, and I thanked him. My friend laughed at my senior moment - then the member said, 'I don’t know what you're laughing at, your jacket is still hanging over the chair'."

Taking a turn

IT is the funeral this weekend of American politician John McCain, who stood against Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential election. John always had a good sense of humour and said in a TV interview days before the polls that one of his options was what he called "The Sad Grandpa" and added: "That's where I get on TV and go, ‘C’mon! Obama’s going to have plenty of chances to be president. It’s my turn!’”

Bit fishy

AH the joys of parenthood. A Bishopbriggs mum said she lost the rag at her son because she was the one that always ended up feeding his goldfish despite his claims that he would look after them. During her rant she shouted at him: "How many times would these fish have died if it hadn't been for me?" Her son's reply of "Once" ended her argument.

See you Jimmy

SHEENA Wellington tells us that the Sir Jimmy Shand Collection of music books and manuscripts goes on public display this weekend at the Wighton Heritage Centre. Jimmy, apart from being a superb accordionist, was an avid collector of music. Our old colleague Jack Webster once related the story that Jimmy's wife answered the phone at their home in Auchtermuchty, to be asked by an official at Buckingham Palace to play at a royal event. "I'll need to check his diary," said Anne, who returned in a few minutes to say: "'No, I'm awfie sorry. That's the night he goes tae Freuchie.''

The royal secretary was clearly questioning if perhaps Her Majesty could take precedence over a little village in Fife. ''Oh no,'' came the reply. ''Jimmy wouldnae miss Freuchie for onybody!''

Hard to swallow

DAVID Gray was at his doc's recently who told him he had high potential. Says David: "I inquired if high potential was good or bad. He then said that after sorting out my blood pressure he would also test my hearing as he had actually said 'hypertension'."

And a reader swears to us that he went on a diet after his GP said he shouldn't take his new pills on an empty stomach - then looked at his generous girth before adding: "If that opportunity ever presents itself."

Ring to it

OUR story about hoarders reminds Avril Strong in East Kilbride: "I recently lost my engagement ring which my late husband bought me 55 years ago. I was rather taken aback when the insurance company asked if I had the receipt for it, but on looking through his papers I found it. Now that's hoarding."

Coming second

AFTER our story about the Celtic top which arrived with the name "None" on the back, David Russell tells us: "US Marines set up a compound within Camp Bastion in Afghanistan with the legend 'Second to None' proudly displayed on a banner above the gate. Our bootneck chums from the Royal Marines Commando who occupied the adjacent site, erected a simpler message. 'NONE'."