Nun of it

OUR story about folk in fancy dress reminds David Stubley in Prestwick: "In the early 70s, when I still had hair, I went to a fancy dress party just off Byres Road in Glasgow dressed as Jesus. I was amused to be approached by another guest who angrily accused me of blasphemy. I might have felt a little guilty if she had not been dressed as a nun."

And we recall the young lad who arrived at a Glasgow club dressed as Spider Man. He was asked for I.D. to prove how old he was and handed over his driving licence. As he hadn't taken off his face mask, the doorman said, "that's no you,' and wouldn't let him in.

Lost dog

INTERESTING point from Falkirk-born author Mhairi McFarlane, who wrote the rom-com book You Had Me At Hello, about whether folk spend too much time looking at their mobile phones. As Mhairi argues: "'Stop looking at your phone' is the new 'cheer up, love'. What's wrong with looking at your phone? I have £500 worth of computer in my pocket containing all my friends and the sum of human knowledge, but I'm supposed to prefer what, small talk with random johnnies?"

Incidentally Mhairi says that her best hospital story is about the chap who had to call in to A&E as he inexplicably had a ceramic model of a dog, well, stuck inside him. He tetchily told the nurse approaching him with callipers: "Please be careful. It’s valuable and one of a pair!"

Russian about

WHAT to make of the claims that Russian agents flew into London to carry out the poisoning in Salisbury? As our old chum Victor Brierley commented: "We used to have Old Etonian, Cambridge University guys as Russian spies. They knew the Queen, and everything! You knew where you were, members of London's top clubs. They probably ate Gentleman's Relish, on white toast. Now, we have real Russians doing it. Typical. They come over here, they take our jobs...no wonder England is going nuts."

Plane fact

FRIENDS can be so harsh. We notice a West Ender returning home to Glasgow from a business meeting putting on Facebook: "Don’t make eye contact with the drunk Weegie woman on a flight home from Belfast unless you want her tragic life story..." One of her friends immediately replied: "Who said that? The woman sitting next to you?"

Boxed in

RAISING children, continued. Journalist Felicity Hannah muses: "Eldest’s maths homework includes, 'Would you rather have 3 boxes with 10 biscuits inside or 5 boxes with 5 biscuits inside? Explain your reasoning.’ He’s put, ‘I would rather have 5 boxes with 5 biscuits because I don’t like biscuits’ and is refusing to accept that’s not what they mean by ‘reasoning’."

And another parent comments to us: "Sometimes my children are so cute it takes my breath away just to look at them. Other times they’re awake."

Balls up

OUR mention of the Milk Marketing Board allows a reader to think he can get away with the old yarn: "I managed a retail milk business where one of our rounds men (remember when milk was delivered?) was having a problem fending off a large amorous dog with a crate whilst delivering the pinta to the door.

The lady of the house shouted to him to kick him his balls. He did with some considerable force, but got a speedy response, 'No! His tennis balls'."

Sorry about that.

In hot water

AFTER the news story about Coca-Cola buying the Costa Coffee chain for a large amount of money, a reader emails: "Presumably Coca-Cola is only buying Costa Coffee as they like the idea of abbreviating the holding company to 'Co-Co Co Co Co'."

By the letter

A COLLEAGUE comes over to tell us his latest little gem. He booms out: "Fee Fi Fo Fum – I smell the conclusion of a game of Scrabble."