Suck it up

YES, it's that time of year, with Scotland's roads about to carry cars crammed with duvets, ring binders and teddy bears as parents drop their kids off at uni. Scotland’s oldest university, St Andrews, will welcome its intake of 2000 freshers with a goodie bag which includes a can of Irn-Bru, a Tunnock’s teacake, and a postcard of friendly domestic advice from the Hall of Residence wardens. It includes the tip, “Don’t Hoover your sick.”

Time to go

POLITICAL news is that Boris Johnson and his wife are seeking a divorce. As reader John Henderson explains: "Boris Johnson’s poor wife is really hoping this will time 'Leave means Leave!'"

Rumpled

INDULGE us for talking about an old colleague following the death of Hollywood star Burt Reynolds, but when acerbic columnist Jack McLean joined The Herald he told us that when he wrote for The Scotsman, a reader declared that he looked like Burt Reynolds. Decades later, and after time and wee goldies had taken their toll, a young lady approached him and told him that he resembled a star of stage and screen. "Burt Reynolds?" asked Jack hopefully. "Naw'' said the young lady, ''Youse look like Rumpole of the Bailey''.

Booked

GLASGOW comedian Susan Calman, a star of last year's Strictly Come Dancing, has a new book out, Sunny Side Up, about how to bring more joy into your life. As she told folk on social media: "My Mum texted to tell me that Byres Road Waterstones definitely had my book in. I think she's checking all the shops in my home town which is adorable.

"Seriously though, if you are a bookshop in Glasgow, just put my book right at the front. It'll save a lot of time."

Handy Andy

OUR tale of giving up a seat to an older person reminded entertainer Andy Cameron: "About 20-odd years ago in London I opened a door in Selfridges and held it to let a lady through who stopped and looked me right in the eye and asked, 'Do you think I’m incapable of opening a door myself?' Before my jaw had fully dropped, a beautifully dressed lady swept past and declared, 'you may be, but I’m not, and I appreciate the gesture, thank you sir'. I don’t know how I felt right then but I was about 100 yards up Oxford Street when I realised I was going into the store and not coming out! Embarrassed, confused and approaching my 60th in a wanner."

Sofa so good

YESTERDAY was 999 Day when the work of the emergency services is acknowledged - the ninth hour of the ninth day of the ninth month, if you want to know. Anyway Chief Constable Cameron Mickelson of Police Scotland, from the spoof television series Scot Squad, commented to his secretary: "Jean, check if the Art School is on fire again before I commend all of our emergency services for 999Day."

And Lancashire Police described all the calls they received on 999 Day including: "Call from a woman in Lancaster saying that there is a man who appears to be drunk asleep on her sofa. She doesn't know who he is and she forgot to lock the front door last night - we are now at scene." A short while later they added: "Update for everyone who's asked - the man was on a night out, had let himself into the flat and gone to sleep on the couch. He's now woken up and gone. Everyone OK!"

Stop the Press

A FEW of my colleagues have been ranting about how unbelievable the new television drama Press is. However TV show Pointless presenter Richard Osman has made the point: "Before too many journalists bemoan television getting newspapers wrong in Press, just remember newspapers have been getting television wrong for years. This is just payback."