Robot Wars

A BEARSDEN reader tells us: "Just spent a frustrating time trying to convince a website that I wasn't a robot. If I was able to tell myself, as a 15-year-old, that I would have to prove in the future that I wasn't a robot, he would think that adult life was going to be far more exciting than it actually is."

Given a lift

WE asked you to confide your embarrassing moments, and Bill Dalgleish tells us: "Years ago, as a furniture delivery driver, I found a narrow street blocked by a car, with an elderly lady trying to move her severely disabled husband. She explained that the gear lever had somehow got stuck up the leg of her husband's trousers. Ever the Good Samaritan, l said, 'Leave this to me, just you go in the house'. On reflection she did look at me rather strangely.

"With one arm under his legs and the other behind his back, l lifted the gentleman clear and carried him into the house and sat him in his armchair. On looking round, I found the lady standing open mouthed, staring at me. 'l had just got him INTO the car to take him a run, son'. Where is that hole in the ground when you need one."

Suits you

OUR tale of the chap in a white suit thinking he was trendy reminds Ian McNair: "I attended a company dinner dance at the then-Holiday Inn, now The Marriott back in the eighties where one fairly unpopular member of staff decided to outdo everyone by wearing a white tuxedo when everyone was wearing the standard black. Sadly for him he hadn’t reckoned that the waiting staff were all wearing white tuxedos. Much fun was had by summoning him for drinks all evening much to his annoyance."

Balls up

AFTER listening to an explanation three times by my nephew on the workings of the Uefa Nations League and still being none the wiser, we can only agree with Alastair Patrick in Paisley who comments: "Just what we Scottish football fans have been waiting for – a competition that we not only can’t win, but we can’t understand either."

A bit blue

WE are still trying to make sense of the chaos of Brexit, so a reader emails the helpful suggestion: "Can we not just quietly kill Brexit and just tell the Brexiteers that it is happening as planned in March next year? Then just issue them with blue passports. They'll never know."

Thorny question

WE commend the attitude of the new owners of the Thornwood Bar on Glasgow’s Dumbarton Road, Marc Ferrier and father-in-law Ken from the estimable Admiral Bar, who are carrying out a major refurbishment of the Thornwood. Good to see that the refurbishment applies to customers as well. As they wrote on the Thornwood’s new Twitter account about a customer: “'I’ve drank in here for 40 years, son!’ Not any more you racist old twat. Racist language and chat will not be tolerated. Toodleoo.”

Write on

TODAY'S piece of daftness comes from comedy writer Sanjeev Kohli who declares: "I’ve just written the best ever ending to a letter. It’s probably my PS de résistance."

Crusty

SORRY about this, but we mentioned the death of Hollywood star Burt Reynolds, and reader John Mulholland tells us: "Sad to read the news about his passing. I loved his 1972 movie about four French bakers who took a trip into an unknown and dangerous wilderness... Delifrance."