Capital idea

THE STORY told at the opening of the new V&A Museum in Dundee is that Tristram Hunt was in a taxi going to the museum when the driver asked him, as they do, what his connection to the new building was. "I'm the director of the V&A," replied Tristram. The driver, who had seen Philip Long interviewed on the telly the night before, asked: "I thought it was someone called Long." "No," replied Tristram, "I'm the director of the V&A in London." "Whit?" said the driver, "there's one in London anaw?"

Reaganomics

OUR piece about Paisley punters being thrifty provokes Paisley Buddy Alastair Patrick to admit: "When Ronald Reagan, the then US President, together with his wife Nancy, visited Paisley in search of his ancestral roots, one local wag opined at the time that the only infallible way of confirming his Paisley lineage would be 'to test his prowess in peeling an orange in his trouser pocket, whilst wearing a boxing glove'."

Noted

WE mentioned Alex Gordon's book, Billy McNeill: In Praise of Caesar. It includes the story of Billy and Celtic team-mates visiting Las Vegas during a club tour in the late 1960s. Lisbon Lion Jim Craig recalled: "Many of the players had gone to Mass in the gambling capital of the world, Billy and I among them. As ever, the plates were passed around for donations. I checked my wallet and pulled a couple of dollars. John Clark, beside me, did likewise. The plate was moved along our row, Billy put in his contribution and the bowl carried on its way.

"A minute later, there was a bellow that shattered the serene atmosphere. 'That was a one hundred dollar bill!' It was Billy. He had got his money mixed up and thought he was making a reasonable donation like the rest of us.

"'That was a one hundred dollar bill,' he yelled again.Too late. The plate – and our skipper's sizeable financial gift – had gone. Billy always was a generous big guy."

Pants

TODAY'S piece of daftness comes from Barry Harper who says: "I like to pretend I'm on holiday by walking into a shop in my Speedos, pointing at sausage rolls, shouting 'Two!' and paying with a £50 note."

Frosty reception

WE asked about meeting someone famous and James McGovern tells us: "Years ago we were in London to see The Jersey Boys not long after it opened, and at the interval made a beeline for the bar. Just as I was about to order, a hand proffering a £50 note reached over my shoulder and I heard a somewhat refined voice, say, 'Four glasses of Chardonnay, please.' I pushed the hand aside and said, 'I think you’ll agree I’m before you'. I turned and was faced by Sir David Frost who immediately apologised. Thinking I might have been a bit snippy, I added, 'Incidentally, if you’re ordering four glasses, you’re probably as well getting a bottle'. He said, 'Thank you, sound advice, I’m sure,' and ordered a bottle after I'd been served. New best pals."

Spooning

WE'VE all been there, as Stephen muses: "Forty-seven more yogurts in the fridge, but I’m scraping the bottom of this container like I’ll never eat yogurt again."

Blast

EDINBURGH tour guide Gordon tells us that a group of tour guides, chewing the fat after the end of the busy Festival period, were telling the usual yarns of tourists asking "What time does the one o’clock gun go off?” and "What’s the name of the castle?” Eventually one guide admitted: "When the gun went off someone asked, 'Hey, what was that?' and I told him it was the one o'clock gun. 'What's that about?' he asked and I admit I answered, 'Just the guys at the castle having fun taking pot shots at the tourists'."

Picture this

GROWING old, continued. Comments author Mhairi McFarlane: “If you want to know how powerful denial can be, today I convinced myself that they use a harsher flash than 10 years ago in passport photo booths.”