Kicked off

A READER dobs in her Celtic-supporting husband and tells us she was already in bed when he returned home from the Celtic v Rosenborg game. Getting ready for bed himself he absentmindedly pretended to score a goal for Celtic himself. Says his wife: "Unfortunately, we have just moved house and his side of the bed is two-feet closer to the wall than it used to be. So, if you see a wee fifty-something man nursing a broken toe and flitting between tears of joy and wails of agony please show some sympathy. He was just reliving his Bhoyhood dreams."

With intent

WE asked about meeting someone famous, and Charlie McGuire recalls: "I well remember as a teenager being dragged along to The Sean Connery Invitation Golf Tournament at Troon in the early seventies by my golf-mad Mum. Being totally uninterested in golf, but amazed at all the celebrities, I set off autograph hunting, and found myself outside a large marquee. Slipping under the wall of the tent, I came up inside beside a slightly startled Eric Sykes Harry Seacombe, and another gent I didn't know. The trio laughed at my brazennes and all signed my programme before I disappeared back under the canvas. When I was reunited with my golf-crazy Mum, I showed her the autographs, and was unprepared for her screaming, 'How the hell did you meet Arnold Palmer?'"

Meat again

JUST your average day out in Leith - law professor James Chalmers reveals: "Walking down Leith Walk behind a man on his own who is repeatedly screaming, 'I’ll f*****g dae ye' and similar to something in his hand. Assuming he’s screaming into his phone, I finally pass him to see he is in fact shouting at... a sandwich."

Crisp taunt

OUR fascination with American politics continues. President Donald Trump tweeted the other day: "Best economic numbers in decades. If the Democrats take control, kiss your newfound wealth goodbye!" Amongst the replies was an American woman, not so enthusiastic, who simply said: "I had Pringles for dinner.."

Clocked it

AND Mike Ritchie, over in Nashville on holiday, bumped into an elderly lady at a grocery store who, uninvited, cheerily told him about her lengthy list of medical conditions. Says Mike: "Her farewell comment was a beauty, 'When I go to sleep at night, I reckon the Good Lord will decide whether or not I need to waken in the morning, and that’s fine by me – you know, I just realised I’ve not used an alarm clock for about 20 years'.”

Well trained

IT'S the Labour Party conference in Liverpool this week, and London Labour MP Wes Streeting was one of many who travelled to the city by train from the capital. As he mused on social media: "Someone on my train to the Labour conference has packed gin and tonic and even brought their own sliced lemon. I’m looking at my Diet Coke and worried I’m not doing this journey right."

Sleep on it

GROWING old continued. Says a reader: "It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’"

Heal thyself

A READER at his Ayrshire golf club heard a member declare: "They say that time is a great healer. So that would explain why I have to wait three weeks to get an appointment at my doctor's surgery."