Sucking up

OUR mention of former Labour Minister John Reid at a Labour conference reminds fellow former Labour MP Brian Donohoe: "John was once being interviewed live by a female interviewer at conference when they were interrupted by what sounded like a Hoover. The bold John suggested they get the wee woman to stop. The interviewer took exception to that, asking John, 'How do you know it's a woman?' Quick as a flash John answered, 'It's too fast to be a man'."

Chance

GROWING old continued. Says Barry Harper: "Sadly the Monopoly board game made me believe that as an adult there would be a lot more bank errors in my favour than has actually turned out."

And our suggestion that supermarkets annoy older shoppers by changing where they keep their eggs, brings the reaction from reader Stephen Murray: "My wife and I are convinced that the supermarket monitors our purchases, and when it discovers an item that we obviously like, it discontinues it."

May not

FOLK are bemused by Prime Minister Theresa May's announcement that there will be a huge Festival of Britain following Brexit. Suggestions from Darren Richardson on what it should consist of include:

*Last Night at the Food Bank.

*Master Chef ration book edition.

*I'm a Celebrity, I'm Emigrating Out of Here.

*Strictly Come First One First Served.

Any other suggestions?

Organ recital

OUR stories of older folk going on and on about their illnesses remind William Whitson: "I'm now 84, and for at least 10 years a group of us have made a rule that we can talk about our ailments for the first 10 minutes that we're together and after that the topic is absolutely forbidden. Doesn't work, though."

Signature move

AFTER the Diary story of the girl writing on Pink Floyd's van with lipstick, Dan Edgar in Rothesay tells us: "You've mentioned before singer Rod Stewart calling in at the Paisley pub The Wee Barrel on his way to Glasgow Airport. The proprietor, Willie Divertie, ran a no-nonsense establishment. On one of Rod's many visits, he had the audacity to sign his autograph in lipstick on one of the ornate original wall mirrors. Mr Divertie was none to pleased, cleaned the offending autograph from the mirror and temporarily barred Rod from the pub."

Your move

OUR mentions of the difficulties of bringing up children reminds a Newton Mearns reader: "We have two daughters. When they were younger our youngest daughter could never be truly comfortable until she found a spot to sit on in the living room which coincidentally blocked her sister's view of the television."

Taxing problem

HAVE you ever had one of this fake emails which claims that you are due a tax refund? A reader emails us the solution: "Avoid falling for scam tax refund emails by building a multi-national corporation based offshore and not paying any in the first place."

That's a wrap

STOPPED by a colleague yesterday who was trying to be a bit more philosophical than he normally is. He wanted to tell me: "Have you noticed that the people who complain about Christmas beginning earlier each year begin earlier each year?"