Bill please

JOURNALIST Alex Gordon spoke to a lot of former players to get their stories about Lisbon Lions captain Billy McNeill for his newly published tribute book, Billy McNeill. In Praise of Caesar.

At the book's launch this week Alex recalled: "Goalkeeper Peter Latchford told me that when Billy was appointed Celtic manager he got the players together to tell them that there was now a divide between him and the players. He went on at length about how he was no longer "Big Man" or whatever, and that he was now "The Manager" or even "Mr McNeill".

At the end of his speech he asked if there were any questions and Danny McGrain replied, 'No, I think you covered all the bases Billy.'"

Auld yin

THE book's launch was upstairs in Glasgow's Iron Horse pub where ebullient 80-year-old Lisbon Lion Bertie Auld held court, chatting to everyone, telling tales, and cheerfully interrupting every other speaker. As former Celtic player and manager David Hay told the audience: "I got the nickname The Quiet Assassin. As you can see it's because when I joined Celtic there were players like Bertie there and I never managed to get a word in."

Wafer thin?

READER Anne-Marie Colgan from Bothwell was passing through Newark Airport in New Jersey when her stash of Tunnock's wafers and tea cakes in silver foil, which she was giving to her host in Idaho, caused her to be taken aside for further security checks.

Says Anne-Marie: "The TSA officer swabbed the biscuit boxes, x-rayed them twice and decided to call a supervisor who also x-rayed and swabbed them again. I kept trying to explain that the items were chocolate biscuits but that didn't compute with TSA staff. Eventually it was agreed that the items were harmless, but I told them, 'Try telling my waistline that'."

Cheesy response

YES, it does get earlier and earlier. Says John Crawford in Lytham: "The Missus was in Marks and Spencer on Saturday morning and asked about their cheese rolls, which are baked in-house. The reply was, ‘We won’t be having any more for a while as it’s getting near Christmas'. What is happening?"

Wetting himself

A GLASGOW reader tells us he and fellow staff at his office were dragooned into a meeting room for a talk by an inspirational speaker hired by the company for some reason. He liked how, when the speaker asked: "What inspires you to get up every day?" someone in the audience answered: "My bladder mostly."

Ya dancer

PRIME Minister Theresa May going on stage at the Tory Party conference like a drunk aunt at a wedding heading for the dance floor was at least taken seriously by betting group Betway. They have now made her 33/1 to win Strictly Come Dancing before the end of 2020.

And a reader phones to suggest: "I see the new series of The Apprentice starts this week. Perhaps they could set them the task of negotiating Brexit. Couldn't do any worse than what's happened so far."

Clapped out

THE BBC reported that the student union at Manchester University has banned clapping, whooping and cheering by students at meetings. A reader who lives down in Manchester emails us: "That's nothing new. Manchester United fans have been doing that for weeks here at Old Trafford."

Learning lesson

TODAY'S piece of daftness comes from a reader who tells us: "The school phoned me to say that my son has been telling lies. I told them that he was really good, as I don't have any children."