Scary time
A GLASGOW reader heard a chap in his local come out with a random piece of information, which often happens in a pub. He declared: "Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Hallowe'en." Our reader felt it was quite sharp of a fellow imbiber to reply: "Is it because they don't like random people coming to their door uninvited?"
Poles apart
WE mentioned Theresa May's plans for a post-Brexit Festival of Britain and John Samson in Edinburgh suggests: "The Brexit Festival should end with Ex-Community singing, followed by dancing around Nae Poles."
Presidential
OVER in America, the first nationwide test of an emergency warning system sent the following text to almost everyone's mobile phone: "Presidential Alert. This is a test of the National Wireless Emergency Alert System. No action is needed." One of those who received it, Steve Redmond, commented: "I can tell that the President didn’t write this alert. There are no spelling mistakes and the grammar is perfect."
Stepping up
TALKING of mobile phones and modern life, a woman in Ayrshire was telling her friends: "Just realised I have a step-counter hidden in my phone which has been recording my bone idleness for months. Some figures like 236 steps a day have shocked me into action."
One of her pals replied: "I'm a steps obsessive. I have a 12,000 daily target, so when I haven't reached it, I'm to be found either walking round our garden in the dark or wandering local streets checking the counter."
We wonder when the first burglar tries that one on as an excuse.
Bit of a panto
ANOTHER use of mobile phones of course is sending messages to the social chat site Twitter. Yesterday Michael Glasper wrote: "My wife is telling me about the pantomime tickets she's booked for Christmas and not only have I zoned out, but I've also picked my phone up to tweet this, and she's still telling me about it."
And a reader in Ayrshire confesses to us: "I only volunteer to vacuum the house so I can say things under my breath about my wife."
Not so Chic
FORGOT to mention that Partick Thistle legend, the frequently sent-off Chic Charnley, was at the launch of the Billy McNeill tribute book, In Praise of Caesar in Glasgow this week. Chic, although a great Celtic fan, was never signed by the club and he confesses: "I cornered Billy McNeill one night at a sporting function. 'Why have you never signed me for Celtic?' I asked, cutting to the chase. Big Billy didn't even blink an eye. 'There's a very good reason for that Chic, son,' he answered. 'I like to sleep at night'."
Got your number
AFTER our tale about the person getting a random phone call from a school, Alison Masterson in Inverkip tells us: "Since I got a new mobile phone number I'm getting texts from a school in England. First it was regarding dinner money, by yesterday they were looking for baking, then asking for donations for a fundraising event. I can't reply to them as it's a 'blanket' type of message so I guess I'll just wait to see what else they ask for."
Battery life
TODAY'S piece of utter daftness comes from Tony Cowards who says: "It's a little known fact that the writer of Winnie the Pooh, A.A. Milne, had a smaller brother called A.A.A Milne."
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