Sharp comment

SOME 400 children swarmed Milngavie Town Hall the other day for the local Primary Schools Scottish Dance Festival, held by the Royal Scottish Country Dance Society which is celebrating its 95th anniversary. Patrick Murray, one of the dance instructors, tells us: "I turned up at a school for the final rehearsal in full Highland dress. Taking out my sgian-dubh, and emphasising that you shouldn’t take knives to school, and ignoring requests to pass it around, I went on to say that the Gurkha Regiment had a ceremonial knife called the Kukri which was much larger, and as a matter of honour they had to draw blood - just a small thumb prick from someone would suffice - before putting it back.

"I then went on to pass around my sporran, and then it was back to the dance. But just then a wee girl nervously put her hand up. “Mr Murray, when are you going to start taking blood?”

Stirring it

GLASGOW-BASED writer Deedee Cuddihy has brought out a little book full of anecdotes about porridge entitled The Wee Guide To Porridge. It includes the strange tale of the woman who said: "I always put a layer of made-up porridge between two pairs of socks when I'm wearing wellies, otherwise your feet freeze. It's warmer if you add salt - but not sugar. For some reason, your feet don't get wet, just nice and warm." Who knew?

Any other tales about porridge?

Fancy that

A LENZIE reader tells us that he and his wife were invited to a fancy dress party, and overcoming his initial reservations, he bought a Superman costume which he wore and had a great time. He was telling his wife that he was keeping it in the wardrobe as you never know when you might have the chance to wear it again. "Oh great," replied his wife, "I'm going to have a fine time trying to explain it to you when you start getting Alzheimers."

Only rock'n'roll

A GLASGOW reader tells us a toper in his local was describing to fellow imbibers his trip to see the Rolling Stones in concert in Edinburgh this summer. He then felt the need to make a gag about it by adding: "I’m not saying Mick Jagger’s getting on a bit, but he updated one of their singles and sang, 'Hey, You! Get Off Of My Lawn'."

Bank on it

SAD to see that sports broadcaster Jim Delahunt, who comments on football and gives racing tips on the social media site Twitter, has said he is leaving the site because of the "relentless abuse" from Old Firm fans. We did however smile at the back-handed compliment of one Twitter user who replied: "Sorry to see you go Jim. Sad state of affairs. However, my bank account won’t miss your tips."

That's fowl

DAFT remark from a reader who tells us: "Went on to a shopping site which asked me to put in a password so I put 'chicken'. It then said, 'Password must contain a Capital'. So I put 'chickenkiev'."

Fly guy

OUR story about landing a plane on the beach at Barra reminds a reader of when Short 360 aircraft were used on the run from Glasgow to Barra, but pilots would often circle the landing strip and turn back if the weather conditions did not suit. As one local put it: "At least the 360s got the right name. All it does is fly round in circles.''

In training

TODAY'S piece of whimsy comes from Glenny Rodge who says: "So it turns out that when they tell you on the train to report anything suspicious to the police, they don't mean the American President or Brexit."