Clocking on
NEARLY Christmas already. Honestly, where does the time go? Anyway, time for the Diary to get to work, and we begin with this old horological horror to dampen your spirits: “I’ve just got a new job in a watch factory. Not a bad number. You just stand around all day and make faces.”
Aye, hymn
CHRISTMAS has made Ochiltree reader Any Kinnaird nostalgic for old Scottish hymnal mishearings of the past, such as “a wean in a manger” and “in past your green”.
Christmas is offie
NO mishearings on Daily Reckless news singer Tommy Mackay’s version of Wizzard’s traditional Xmas hit I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day: “Well I … Wish I could be legless every day/Every time I go to the off-licence I say/‘Have you got Golden Virginia and by the way/I’ll have some Bell’s and a packet of Rizla.’”
Cell number
RECENT Diary items anent awkward encounters with ex-jailbirds reminds Stuart from Sauchie of the time he got off the train at Alloa and found there were no taxis. “I decided to go to a local hostelry and get the barman to phone for one, but a local toper offered to do it from his phone. Unfortunately, he couldn’t remember his phone’s pin number. So, seeing a Celtic tattoo on his arm, I helpfully suggested 1888 (year of Celtic’s formation) or 1967 (year they won the European Cup), to which he replied, ‘Naw mate. It’s my prison number!’ … Exit stage left!”
Day of the dead
GORDON Casely’s observation of an arguably inappropriate “Merry Christmas” sign in an Aberdeen undertaker’s premises prompts reader Paul Murphy to wonder whether the same business has Dress Down Fridays and Christmas Jumper Day.
Deadpan answer
MORE wit and wisdom from Drew Fleming’s Widowers’ Group in Bishopbriggs, where a member averred that, when the young Austrian composer Johann Strauss waltzed into London, he was asked: “Where in Austria do you actually come from?” To which the modest maestro very allegedly replied: “I am Vienna bred – and one day I will be the toast of the world!”
Wild oats
A RECENT Diary reference to "oat cuisine" prompted author Deedee Cuddihy to remind us that her latest book, The Wee Guide to Porridge, contains a recipe for fried Irn-Bru porridge with a tablet topping. Testing it out on members of the public recently, Deedee was surprised – and a little disappointed – at the mostly positive response to her specially created "delicacy". She tells us: "Admittedly, one person DID spit it out but several others described it as 'excellent' and one even asked for more!" Sounds like just the job for Christmas morning.
Charlie chap Linus
LOVELY to see that Apple is bringing back an animation of Charlie Brown (and Snoopy). Charlie’s the lovable but socially awkward and sometimes gloomy kid, who once lamented: “Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me: ‘This is going to take more than one night.’” His more sorted pal Linus once accused him of being “the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem”. Harsh but fair. All the same: Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown. And Diary readers too!
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