Ferry nuff

THE latest jaw-dropping news from the Westminster Government was giving a multi-million pound post-Brexit ferry contract to a company with no ferries. Kudos to Glasgow stand-up Janey Godley who came up with the alternative suggestion: "I say we keep the refugees and give them the shipping contract – they can find boats and sail them through the toughest seas and they’re brave."

On the tiles

A READER swears he heard a young woman on the train into Glasgow the other day tell her pal: "I forgot my phone when I went to the bathroom this morning. Did you know we've got 84 tiles on the bathroom wall?"

Bottled it

GROWING old, continued. A Baillieston reader emails: "You know you're getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake."

Got the picture

GOT anything in the sales? Reader Foster Evans was looking at an advertisement online for "An Extendable Telescopic Handheld Monopod Extension Arm with Universal Adapter for Smartphones." It took him a few moments to work out it was only a selfie stick.

Hard to swallow

IT seems it's not just Scots who overindulge at New Year. A reader in America sends us a cutting from his local newspaper which told you what to look out for to judge if you have a New Year hangover. It included: "Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to 'Stay still'. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, 'Step right up and give it whirl!' You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position. Your catch phrase is, 'Never again.' Your new response to 'Good morning' is 'Be quiet!'"

Well, any of those apply?

Hop to it

A READER phones to say: "To all the people who sent me their best wishes last New Year, a fat lot of good that did, so this year send whisky or money." So to cheer you all up we pass on a story from an expat in Townsville, Australia, where the local newspaper reported that a pest control officer called in to remove a snake from a house saw it regurgitating a tree frog when he picked it up. The frog appeared lifeless, but the pest control chap then saw a leg twitch so he began tiny chest compressions on the frog for about a minute and it came back to life, and has now been released back into the wild. Aw.

His own view

SO what sort of conversations have you had over the festive season? A reader tells us: "Every day seemed to consist of people asking me if I'd seen a certain film, and I replied no, I hadn't seen it, and they told me I should definitely see it, and I told them I would add it to my list, although I don't have a list, and I will never see that film."

Won't wash

OUR picture of the pub chalkboard claiming that "propaganda" is what Cockneys do when they have a good look at something, reminds a reader in Glasgow's west end: "It brings to mind the old favourite – too old perhaps! – about the difference between buffalo and a bison. Yes, you’ve got it, a buffalo is a horned beast that roams the plains of North America and a bison is a thing a Cockney washes his hands in. Oh dear, I am getting old."