Doesn't add up

SCOTTISH company TeeJay Publishers provides most schools in Scotland with their maths textbooks. Tom Strang at TeeJay received a phone call from a boy saying he was having trouble with a question in one of their textbooks. Tom tells us: "I looked out the question in the book and told the boy it was too complicated to explain over the phone and he should ask his teacher instead. 'Ah cannae mister' he whispered very quietly, 'A’m sittin a test'. Needless to say he got short shrift."

Bit of a circus

THE Herald obituary of Moira Roberts, who ran the annual Kelvin Hall Circus in Glasgow with her husband Bobby, reminded entertainer Andy Cameron of when he was writing about the circus for a column in the Evening Times. Recalls Andy: "Moira and Robert were a lovely couple who loved their animals. I was sent along to the circus with the legendary grumpy photographer Jack Middleton. Bobby got me to lie on the floor with his elephant Anne raising her giant foot so that it hovered above me. Jack was shouting at the elephant to lower her foot even further but Anne wouldn't. The Midd got angrier and angrier but when he shouted 'Stupid f****** elephant!' at the placid creature it was too much for Bobby who grabbed Jack by the scruff of the neck, marched him out of the arena and threw him into the street."

Happy days indeed - I'll probably tell you another Jack Middleton story tomorrow.

Toilet humour

AFTER our stories about confusion over words in Scotland, Maggie Woods sees an advertisement for the new film Mary Poppins Returns in which the actress who plays Mary, Emily Blunt, says her favourite Mary Poppins phrase is "Oh pish posh." Says Maggie: "I think Disney forgot to account for the different meanings of this in Scotland. Do you pish posh by hovering instead of sitting?"

Ayrshire welcome

AN intriguing tie in this month's Scottish Cup games is Junior Football legends Auchinleck Talbot against fellow Ayrshire side from the professional leagues Ayr United. We turn to Ayrshire sports reporter Matt Vallance for his view on the game who tells us: "The trouble with this current Talbot team is - they play football. They don't have the half dozen psychopaths of the great Willie Knox sides of the past.

"I recall, some 20-years ago, Rangers sent a young side down to Beechwood for a testimonial game. One of the promising young Rangers players was psychologically scarred when on coming out to warm-up he was invited by an Auchinleck lady of some mature years, to 'Come ower here son, and gie's a feel o' yer nadgers'."

Oh Vienna

WE pass on the tale from actor Iain Robertson who explained on social media: "I heard a story last night about a pal of mine who used to be a bevy merchant. He got steaming in Glasgow, blacked out, and woke up in Vienna, but thought he was in Dundee. When ma pal said, 'How did ye think it was Dundee?', he says, 'The buses wur the same colour'."

Forgive me Delilah

WE apologised for mixing up singers Tom Jones and Engelbert Humperdinck, which reminded Brian Higgins: "Crooner Jack Jones was once playing a free concert in Glasgow's George Square where a bunch of drunken revellers had pushed themselves up to the front of the stage. After Jack had sung a couple of his old hits, one of the aforementioned asked him, 'When ur ye gonnae effing sing Delilah?' So you are not alone."