Fruity response

GROWING old, continued. Reader Jack Phillipson from Neilston was discussing Brexit with a friend in a noisy cafe and tells us: "My friend says, 'What about they Spanish matadors? They'll need to come round soon or they will lose their market.' I was vaguely agreeing but eventually felt I had to say that I didn't understand what matadors had to do with it. 'Matadors?' he replied. 'I'm talking about tomata growers'."

Get the pip

OUR picture of unrecognisable hospital food reminded David Knight: "When I was a junior doctor I experienced much trauma in regard to hospital food – mostly finding the canteen shut after I got out of theatre. But the one that stands out happened to me when I was myself a patient. After an accident breaking my thumb, I awoke back in the ward to find the affected limb in plaster and suspended from a drip stand. The other arm was strapped to a board and had an intravenous line running. I was literally handless. The kindly ward orderly told me I'd missed dinner but she would find me some dessert. Falling back asleep, I next opened my eyes to a plate on my bed table holding an unpeeled orange. It's the thought that counts."

Bowled over

AND Catriona Kellock in Alva admits: "As a young student nurse in Edinburgh, many years ago, I was given the job of handing out the meals. One gentleman had not ordered pudding and asked if there was a spare one on another tray. He had seen his neighbour with semolina, his favourite. I found a bowl on another tray and gave it to him. When I came to clear up, he hadn't finished it, saying sheepishly, 'I really prefer the sweet kind of semolina.' I looked at the bowl and realised I had given him boiled potatoes in white sauce. They looked very similar."

Getaway

THE SNP is being attacked for giving local authorities powers to levy a tax on workplace parking spaces. It reminds us of the health and safety official at a large Glasgow factory giving a talk and asking staff: "Does anyone know the speed limit in the factory car park?" A voice replied: "Depends. Do you mean coming in to work or leaving?"

Rise and shine

SAD to hear of the death of former Radio Clyde breakfast host Mike Riddoch, one of the most clever DJs around, although he hated being in the spotlight himself. He once told an old chum of ours that he didn't like to sound too bright and breezy in the morning as it put folk off if they had just woken up. He added: "The greatest compliment I've ever had is from someone who once said he liked me because 'however rough I feel, Mike Riddoch seems to be feeling rougher.' ''

Had a skinful

END of an era, as permission is being sought to bulldoze the O2 ABC music venue on Sauchiehall Street after the recent fire. More student flats no doubt. We remember when Australian singer Jordie Lane, appearing at Celtic Connections, arrived there to hear a fellow act, and was stopped by a bouncer because he was carrying a banana and was told he couldn't take food in. On a whim he asked if he could check it in at the cloakroom and was told he could. At the end of the show he went back to the cloakroom, and when asked what colour his coat was, he replied "Yellow." The girl knew exactly what he wanted and handed him back his banana.

Trumped

US President Donald Trump has been criticised for giving a lacklustre State of the Union address. As John Rain explains: "Once you pretend that Trump has been kidnapped and is doing ransom videos, his speeches are OK to sit through. You just have to pretend that the, 'I am being treated well' has been edited out."

Rocky path

JIM from Shawlands reads the interview with mountaineer Sir Chris Bonington in The Herald this week and comments: "Sir Chris said he had ups and downs in his career. Would he not have learned that this pretty much described the whole job on Day One of mountain climbing school?"

THOSE WERE THE DAYS - 1932: The striking design of the newest church in Glasgow