Floored

GROWING old, continued. Says Patricia Allison: “My grand-daughter aged eight laid out a card memory game on the carpet and then announced, ‘Granny, I’m going for a pee now so you make a start at getting down on to the floor.’ A bit harsh, I thought. Observant though!”

Bottoms up

A DIARY story from a Kilmalcolm resident reminded a Milngavie reader of an incident in Kilmalcolm Golf Club’s TV room. He tells us: “One of the club members went over to the hatch as it was then, to order a round of drinks. Unfortunately as he leant into the hatch to catch the barman’s attention, he passed wind very loudly. One of his pals asked, ‘Bell not working again Davie?’”

Bottled it

SOUTH Ayrshire Police bragged on social media about stopping a supporters’ bus heading from Ayr to Greenock Morton and confiscating beer and Buckie. As a police sergeant crowed: “Operations like this one help keep fans and the wider community safe”. It didn’t go down well, as many felt the police had more important things to do. One supporter replied: “I’m a Partick Thistle fan, and I won’t be able to sleep tonight. Before boarding the bus to Alloa, I purchased a packet of Tesco’s ‘Finest’ liqueur chocolates and shared them. Should I turn myself in?” Another had the heartfelt message: “Raging at this. How is anyone expected to watch Morton sober?” The match ended in goalless.

Sheeting himself

A GLASGOW reader swears a young chap in his local said: “My girlfriend says I’m not romantic enough and that she wants to be wooed.” He then added: “So where am I going to get a ghost costume from?”

Bank on it

MORE on family dynamics as Amy Middleton reveals: “My wee brother is fly. He’s just got his bank account set up with online banking, so he phoned me to transfer him £10 to make sure it was working. Accepted that I wouldn’t get the £10 back, but then my mum told me he did the same to her, my gran and my auntie. The wee so-and-so is £40 up.”

Light bulb moment

WELL done to the pupils who held rallies to protest at the lack of action over climate change. Sadly not everyone was impressed. As Scottish journalist Richard Prest observed: “So kids are walking out of school over climate change. Rather ironic in my house that our two leave every light on, have phones charging 24 hours, and then demand lifts everywhere in a petrol-fuelled car. Oh aye... and then there’s chucking clean clothes back in the washing.”

In a sweat

WE are still trying to make sense of what’s happening over Brexit. James Melville tries to explain with the analogy: “Theresa May, ‘Hi, this is Theresa. I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’ Gym, ‘You’ve been calling us for two years about this. You know it runs out on 29th March.’ Theresa, ‘I’ll pop in later this week to discuss it.’ Gym, ‘Please stop doing this. It’s getting a bit weird’.”

Break-up songs

TO try to cheer us up, Mike Ritchie has wondered what songs should be included in a Brexit compilation album. Suggestions include:

lTalking Heads – Road to Nowhere.

lCommunards – Don’t Leave Me This Way.

lNeil Sedaka – Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.

lSinead O’Connor –Nothing Compares 2 EU.

What else should be included?