ALL HAIL THE TALENTED MR LINEKER

LOWLY paid BBC staff, and despite what you may have read this week that means most of them, have a particular way of deploying the word “talent”.
The “talent” is their term for the apparent stars of the shows. But from the way the rank and file frequently accompany the use of  the phrase with the raise of an eyebrow and a whisper of a smile, it is clear the speakers believe most of these exotic creatures are about as much use as a raincoat on a fish.
But come on people. Now that it has been revealed what the top BBC names are paid, the doubters inside and outside the corporation will have to revise their opinions. It surely cannot be the case that when calculating the salaries of Chris Evans, Gary Lineker, Claudia Winkleman and the rest, the BBC management simply plucked figures from the air with no heed to what the person’s work was actually worth. That is pinko talk, the kind of thing that would have got a body arrested in Lord Reith’s day.
No, there are good reasons why Mr Evans is paid £2.2 million, Mr Lineker £1.8 million, and Ms Winkleman close to £499,000. One can even explain why Alex Jones of The One Show trousers £449,000 a year. Yes, we are being serious. As part of this column’s public service remit to keep the peace and head off rioting in the streets, we will now set out what those reasons are.
First, shouting. To hear the carpers talk, anyone would think that Mr Evans got where he is today by virtue of being able to shout louder than anyone else, particularly at underlings who don’t think he is God’s gift to broadcasting. It has taken years of training to get that voice to just the right, headache-inducing volume. 
Never forget, either, the difficulties Mr Evans has overcome to get where he is: to wit, hailing from the north of England and being a ginger. If fellow ginger Jackie Bird had been overbearing like Evans she could have been on the same money, but watch her bantering with colleagues and it is clear that, diva-wise, the BBC Scotland anchor is less Maria Callas and more lovely Marie Osmond. Toughen up Big Bird, this ain’t Sesame Street. (Like the rest of us, BBC Scotland staff have been shocked to find what some of the “talent” in the south are on. Maybe indy supporters would like to demonstrate about that outside Broadcasting House in London? Just a suggestion.)
Next, one should never underestimate how difficult it is for a bloke to be blokey and to bring out the best in other blokes. Do you think Gary Lineker and his fellow former footballer guests on Match of the Day just rock up and slip into their chummy banter without a second thought? The easy-osey back and forth you see on Saturday night is the product of hours of rehearsal and extreme dedication on the part of animal trainers. If you could see what Gary and his guests were like on arrival, all screeching, scratching, fighting, swinging from tyres, and grooming each other for ticks, you would not believe they were the same guys who appear on our screens later. Gary himself goes above and beyond for his salary. Some weeks those trousers of his are so tight management are close to asking Nurse Charlie Fairhead to cut them off. Then someone remembers Charlie is on 400k a year and even the MOTD budget won’t stretch that far.
Finally, we come to Ms Winkleman and Ms Jones. One simply cannot underestimate the strain these ladies put themselves under every day to appear ditzy and unthreatening. 
Diane Keaton won an Oscar for doing the same thing in Annie Hall, but do you see Claudia and Alex being given similar recognition for their efforts? No, you do not. Yet their ability to put at ease every insecure man within a 400-mile radius is a prize beyond compare. One can only imagine the outcome if the Sarah Montagues and Jane Garveys of this world were allowed to openly flaunt their intelligence all the while brazenly being paid the same as their male colleagues. Before you know it women all over the country would be demanding equal pay. That way madness, or Norway, lies.
So let us have no more of this backlash against highly-paid BBC talent. They did not ask the heavens to favour them with the gifts they so clearly have, gifts which we all benefit from in our own ways. If you cannot afford to put the heating on this winter, for example, simply thinking of how much Mr Evans is paid is sure to send your temperature soaring. 
Remember this, too. If not for vastly paid stars, the agents who negotiate their deals would be out of work and there are only so many sharks society can accommodate at one time. I mean, have you seen the Cabinet?

OJ STORY KEEPS ON RUNNING

THERE he is, back on the front pages again. Orenthal James Simpson, now 70, will be free in the autumn having been granted parole from a sentence for armed robbery.
As they did when he was sensationally acquitted of the murders of his wife Nicole Brown and her friend Ron Goldman, US networks interrupted programmes to air the hearing live. Even after all these years, “The Juice” still gets the media’s juices flowing.
For many, foremost among them the families of Ms Brown and Mr Goldman, there would never be a good time for Simpson to be freed. But that he should be given his liberty at a time when a new generation has become aware of his infamy via the drama The People v OJ Simpson and the Oscar-winning documentary OJ: Made in America, is irony indeed.
His renewed notoriety means that just as after that acquittal in 1995, Simpson’s every move will now be scrutinised. He has no chance of slipping into anonymity, if he ever did. Once upon a time Simpson took so much from fame. It has certainly taken its revenge.

ONLY ROCK AND ROLL BUT JEZZA LIKES IT

IT is the light entertainment equivalent of the nuclear arms race. Last week, former First Minister Alex Salmond announced he will be staging a Fringe show. Now Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn is setting forth on a five-day tour of Scotland, complete with pop concerts.
Jezza has been inspired by the possibility that there could be another snap election in the autumn. He is also flying high after Glastonbury, where he was greeted like a cross between Zippy from Rainbow and Jim Morrison back from the dead.
I worry you are letting all this newfound, student-led fame go to your head, Jeremy. The thing about students is that they have short-attention spans.
 There is also the matter of Scottish Labour leader Kezia Dugdale. Perhaps you see her as part of a backing trio with Diane Abbott and Emily Thornberry, but I fear Kez’s sights are set on higher things, and before you know it, Labour will have a Liam and Noel Gallagher situation on its hands. Is it worth it Jezza? You’re quite amusing love, but you’re not wonderwall.