ISN’T it nice when friends hear you will be visiting a place and get in touch with their recommendations of what to see and do? There is nothing like an insider’s guide to steer a visitor towards the right path. Or away from the wrong one.

Take the hospitable folk at the Bow Group, Republicans Overseas Scotland, and other conservative think tanks. On hearing Donald Trump was coming to Britain on July 13 they immediately sent a telegram, the contents of which The Herald can reveal here.

“GREAT NEWS BUT AVOID LONDON. STOP. HEAD TO SCOTLAND. STOP. FOR EXTRA SECURITY, COME IN DRAG. STOP. WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR BONNIE PRINCE CHARLIE. STOP. WILL STOP HERE AS JUST BEEN TOLD WESTERN UNION SENT LAST TELEGRAM IN 2006. STOP. HENCE WHY THIS IS ARRIVING VIA WHATSAPP. STOP.”

In by-passing London for his “ancestral homeland”, says the group, the US president could drop in on the Queen at Balmoral. Moreover: “Scotland and the north of England offer a variety of locations where you would be able to speak directly to ordinary British people and witness the level of support that exists for you.”

How charming a picture this paints of Scots as some Brigadoon-dwelling, forelock-tugging, band of morons who would not have any truck with fancy London notions of fighting racism and misogyny.

Nor do the President’s pals in the north seem acquainted with Mr Trump’s previous dealings with the country, most of them less than harmonious. A quick Google search of “Menie”, “Salmond”, and “wind farms” would seem to be in order.

Regardless, I regret to say that Scotland has been placed in an impossible position regarding the Trump visit. We have been sold out by the Scottish Government and other official agencies via the new “Scotland is Now” campaign, you see. Some bright spark thought it was a good idea to market Scotland as the ultimate in friendly countries. As the expensively shot film declares: “Now makes the future. Now bangs the drum. Now is the welcome for all those who come.”

Alas, this kind of pledge is what your average Manhattan lawyer would call a binding contract enforceable in law. We could fight it, argue that the word “all” did not really mean “all”. We could invoke the sanity clause, but as every Marx Brothers’ fan knows there ain’t no sanity clause. We could tie the case up in the courts for years, but 99% of solicitors in Scotland are too busy defending footballers on speeding charges to help.

Face it, we have been done up like a kipper into welcoming the President whether we want to or not. But this is Scotland. What do we do when life hands us lemons? That’s right, we order the world’s biggest round of G&Ts.

And after drinking them we come up with a plan. Since we are in the business of selling Scotland to the world, why not market the country as the ideal place to protest against Mr Trump?

Head north, protesters, via a series of handy transport links, some of which function normally now and then. Stay in our fabulous hotels and B&Bs (no food after 2pm). If they are full, the locals would be more than happy to offer you a bed for the night (offer does not apply in Edinburgh or Aberdeen). As for food, we cater for all tastes and allergies by the simple, wholesome method of deep frying everything.

Tired of marching up and down city streets? Then head into the countryside where you can see the many modern art installations that look, to the untrained eye, like discarded mattresses, sofas, and picnic litter.

Above all, should you and the family head north to put your views to the President via placards and loud hailers, you can do so safe in the knowledge that the police will adopt a softly, softly approach (named after the TV series, see YouTube).

You have our assurance that Police Scotland will not adopt aggressive crowd control tactics such as kettling. Indeed, they are more likely to put on the kettle for you! Assuming they haven’t gone to the wrong address, that is.

Should any unfortunate misunderstandings occur and you are arrested, we can guarantee you a fun time at Monday morning court, especially those in Glasgow. As you mingle with shoplifters, hustlers and Saturday night brawlers you will meet no end of local “characters” who might end up as pen pals.

So come one, come all. Donald, Donald, Donald, out, out, out! Protesters, protesters, protesters, in, in, in!