No messing with Tam

WE will miss that fine politician and gentleman Tam Dalyell, who explained in his autobiography, The Importance Of Being Awkward, that within days of being elected as MP for West Lothian, he mentioned to a local newspaper editor that some Linlithgow residents had complained to him about dog mess in the streets.

The newspaper printed a story about it, and Tam was immediately phoned by the local councillor. Tam wrote: “’Tam,’ he said, ‘Westminster, your business. Dog s***, mine.’ Whereupon the telephone was slammed down. That was the first and only occasion I had a brush with West Lothian Council.”

Bit of a climb down

AND our old chum Alistair Nicol, formerly deputy editor of the Lothian Courier, recalled: “Tam was a truly hard-working, highly principled MP. On one occasion I joined him on the official opening of new housing in Broxburn. One of the new residents complained of leaks from the roof so Tam borrowed a set of ladders from the construction site next door and climbed up to inspect the gutters. Suddenly, a foreman appeared and demanded to know what he was up to. ‘I’m the MP for West Lothian,’ he declared from on high.

“’I don’t care if you’re the Queen of Sheba, get aff ma f****** ladders!’ was the reply.”

Heated conversation

OUR tale of the bus driver taking the woman home to switch off her oven, reminds Andrew Foster in Cambridge, Ontario: “ This corner of Ontario still has a sizeable Scottish population, and it used to extend to the polis. A good Paisley lady of our acquaintance was stopped for speeding and asked why the hurry. ‘Ma shortbread’s in the oven!’ she told him. ‘Away ye go!’ and that was the end of the matter.”

Not put a foot wrong

JOHN Dunlop in Glasgow reads former politician Ed Balls claiming that First Minister Nicola Sturgeon would be great if she ever went on Strictly Come Dancing. John wonders what she would dance to, and suggests Neil Sedaka’s Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.

Any other suggestions?

Look back in anger

PEOPLE just can’t stop talking about Donald Trump. A reader asks us: “Do you think that on his inauguration day, the secret service had to shoot down hundreds of armed time travellers from the future?”

Housework sucks

A FRIEND confesses to us she is not always on top of the house cleaning because of her busy life. This was really brought home to her, however, when she was vacuuming the other day and her young daughter asked: “Mum, who is coming to visit us?”

Put years on him

GROWING old continued. Says Martin Morrison: “I was relatively late to fatherhood and my seven-year-old daughter is always expressing amazement at how old I am. As she was overheard by the postie saying to her equally amazed friends, ‘My dad’s nearly 55, and he’s still alive!’ Gee, thanks, darling.”

Heavens above

OUR hospital stories remind Jim Thomson in Bothwell: “Two years ago I was admitted to Edinburgh’s Western General Hospital, and while I was waiting to be taken to the operating theatre the very nice hospital radio DJ was doing his rounds seeking music requests. For no particular reason Bob Dylan’s Knocking On Heaven’s Door sprang to mind. With an almost understanding look the DJ noted my request.”