Sofa so good

MORE housework confessions as Frances Woodward in Yorkshire confides: “My house is clean and tidy, but when my son was small and went to a childminder after school, he asked her why she was moving furniture about in the living room, especially the sofa. The reply that it was to clean behind it for dust got the reply from my son, ‘My Mum says she’ll only Hoover behind the sofa when we move house’.”

Waxing lyrical

SAD to see that sporting goods shop Greaves is closing its Sauchiehall Street branch, although the Gordon Street emporium will remain in business. We remember an assistant in the store being asked by a customer if he could borrow a football pump with a needle adaptor.

Not expecting a game to kick off in the store, she asked why he merely wished a temporary loan instead of a purchase, and he replied that he wished to clean out the wax in his hearing aid.

Alas, on that occasion his request fell on deaf ears.

Badge of honour

INCIDENTALLY, boss Sandy Greaves once told us that after the great Spanish golfer Seve Ballesteros wore a Slazenger jumper with its famous panther motif, a female customer came in and asked Sandy: “Sees us wan o’ they sweaters wi’ the jumpin’ dug.”

Hammering the point

WE got so obsessed with Donald Trump we almost forgot about Brexit, which is being debated this week in Westminster. Actor David Schneider was a bit confused when Labour’s Dame Margaret Beckett told the Commons: “Though I accept that decision to leave, and I will vote for the bill, I still fear that its consequences both for our economy and our society are potentially catastrophic.”

As David opined: “I will continue hitting myself in the face with a hammer though I fear the consequences will be catastrophic.”

Happy New Year

“DO you remember,” phones a reader, “when we said at New Year, ‘Well at least 2017 can’t be as bad as 2016’.”

Picture this

PRESTWICK Airport has listed the main reasons people miss flights, including bringing the wrong passport. Said an airport spokesman: “The best one was a middle-aged man attempting to check in with his young daughter’s passport. Unfortunately for him, he had just grabbed the first passport he could find in a drawer and forgot to check it was his. Needless to say he wasn’t able to make his flight that day.”

It somehow reminds us of the reader who told us: “One time when I returned from holiday I was met at Glasgow Airport by the security man who looked at my photo, looked back at me, and said, ‘My God hen, you were needin’ a holiday’.”

Cheesy story

TODAY’S piece of whimsy comes from a reader who emails: “Give your home that discount supermarket feel by keeping a cordless screwdriver next to your cheese.”

Lost his bottle

A COLLEAGUE wandered over looking sad, so we were conned into listening to him. “Had a guy out fixing the roof, and he dropped a bottle of wine when I caught him drinking on the job.”

After a pause he added: “He’s agreed to wipe the slate clean.”