Oscar performance
BIT of a slip-up at the Oscars when Warren Beatty read out the wrong winner. Football fans are now assuming he’s in the running to do the next accident-prone Scottish Cup draw.
And Tom Cross in Carluke asks: “Can we go back to the American presidential election and check the envelope? They might have read out the wrong name.”
A certain logic ...
PARENTING continued. A Falkirk reader tells us her son sat down at the dinner table and picked up a chicken leg with his fingers. “Did you wash your hands?” she asked him. “No,” he replied.
“Why not?” she asked, not unreasonably. “I don’t want the chicken to taste of soap,” he replied.
Unhealthy salad
TODAY’S daftness comes from Moose Allain, who says: “It always annoys me when a menu offers a nice crisp salad, and when it arrives there are no crisps in it.”
Follow that
LABOUR MP Gerald Kaufman, who has died, was a great film fan. We liked the comment of fellow MP Chris Bryant, who said: “Very sad to hear Sir Gerald Kaufman has died. The only man to have started a speech at the Parliamentary Labour Party with ‘As Bette Davis once said to me ... ’”
Complete cover
A GLASGOW reader tells us he was upset when he phoned an insurance company seeking life insurance but when he rhymed off his various medical conditions they told him, sorry, but he did not qualify.
He was even more upset when a different representative of the insurance company phoned him back a few days later and tried to sell him some funeral expenses cover.
Immersed in the part
RATHER than just talk about their books, crime writers Douglas Skelton, Michael Malone, Lucy Cameron and Caro Ramsay have devised a comedy whodunnit play, Carry on Sleuthing, which they will next present this Friday at Sanquhar’s A’ the Airts.
The elegant Caro got really into the play and took a lot of time drawing on a fake moustache the last time it was performed. A woman in the audience was heard telling her pal that Caro should really do something about her facial hair.
Says Caro: “Yet there was no mention of my hairy wart, which I made from breakfast cereal and cat fur.”
Offal, really
WASN’T paying attention, so without thinking I asked a colleague how he was. My mistake. He told me: “Just been asked to take part in the world haggis making contest.”
Just a pause of a second or two before he added: “ Haven’t got the stomach for it.”
Getting with the programme WE wondered what programmes will be made when the BBC start their new Scottish channel next year. David Donaldson suggests a programme from Edinburgh where folk come up with the best excuses not to invite you over, in Don’t Come Dine With Me.
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